satire

25 (Other) Things You Didn’t Know About Taylor Swift

Today’s the day, my friends. After months of snake-related promo material, Taylor Swift’s sixth album, reputation with a small “r” is finally here. In it, the New Taylor — who wears a lot of eyeliner and says the word shit and just like, totally doesn’t care what anyone thinks — airs her grievances against past lovers, the media, and Kanye West. In honor of its release, Swift did a “25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me!” for Us Weekly, and while she did reveal some scintillating tidbits, like the fact that she watches a lot of Dateline, and mustard is one of her favorite fall colors, we couldn’t help but feel the list was incomplete. Here are 25 totally real, not at all made up, things you didn’t know about Taylor Swift.

1. Taylor Swift can’t fly per se, but if she really concentrates she can hover a few inches off the ground for about five seconds.

2. Swift told Us she can’t watch Pocahontas without crying. Conversely, she didn’t shed a tear for the old couple in Up.

3. She doesn’t actually know the names of half the people in her squad, but at this point it’s too late to ask, so when they show up at her house in Rhode Island she’s just like, “Hey, you!”

4. Swift smells with her tongue, which is forked.

5. In preparation for her role as New Taylor, Swift spent months listening to the entire Good Charlotte catalogue.

6. If you rearrange the letters in Taylor Swift, they spell “Wil fart toys.”

7. The line about the old Taylor being dead in “Look What You Made Me Do” refers to the twin Swift ate in the womb.

8. Her boyfriend, Joe Alwyn, owns an iPod.

7. She and Conor Kennedy broke up because she kept asking to meet J.F.K. and he was like “You’re kidding, right?” and she was like, “I just think it’s rude that you won’t introduce me.”

9. “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is actually about her dentist who totally overcharged her for fillings.

10. Swift considers herself first and foremost a banjo player, but early on in her career her manager told her there was an extremely limited market for banjo albums. She is still very bitter about this.

11. She wears red lipstick almost every day in the summertime, she told Us. In winter, she wears an unshakable sense of malaise.

12. Swift starts off every week by saying, “Mondays, amirite?”

13. Taylor Lautner’s real name is Bryan but Swift made him change it when they were dating. She also asked him to wear a blond wig and play “Teardrops on My Guitar,” but he said the wig was too itchy.

14. One of the songs on Reputation was going to be called “F**k You, Kanye West,” but some felt this was too on the nose.

15. She had ex-friend Katy Petty removed from her memory, Eternal Sunshine–style.

16. Everybody knows about Tom Hiddleston’s “I <3 TS" tank, but what you may not know know is that Taylor also got himself “I <3 TS” boxers, bedsheets, and full back tattoo.

17. This one time I brought in a picture of Taylor Swift and asked my hairdresser to dye my hair the same color, and he totally butchered it, and I cried.

18. Thrice a year, Swift sheds her skin.

19. In moments of silent contemplation, Swift wonders whether the squad she really needs to focus on is the one within herself.

20. “If only sometimes I could be Taylor Slow,” she thinks sadly.

21. She’s not in the Illuminati but she keeps dropping hints to Beyoncé and being like “I could make time!” and “My Wednesdays are wide open!”

22. Swift’s security did not carry her out her apartment in a huge suitcase. Instead, they carry her out in her preferred mode of transportation: the envelope of a crisp, monogrammed thank-you note.

23. Swift told Us she used to have a pug named Nelly. What she doesn’t say is that one day on tour, she unhinged her jaw and swallowed Nelly whole, and spent the next ten days digesting him.

24. She pronounces it “vah-se” not “vase.”

25. The New Taylor totally doesn’t care, you guys.

25 (Other) Things You Didn’t Know About Taylor Swift