satire

It’s Me, Bill O’Neill’s 51st Sexual Partner

Bill O’Neill.

On Friday, Ohio Supreme Court Justice and Democratic gubernatorial candidate Bill O’Neill shared a Facebook post in which he revealed that over the past 50 years, he had been “sexually intimate with approximately 50 very attractive females,” including “a gorgeous blonde who was my first true love and we made passionate love in the hayloft of her parents barn and ended with a drop dead gorgeous red head from Cleveland.” What O’Neill didn’t divulge, however, is that he’s had sex with well over 50 women — they just haven’t all been “very attractive” in the traditional sense.

Like me, Bill O’Neill’s 51st sexual partner.

How do I know I’m not one of Bill’s “attractive” partners? First of all, when a guy sighs deeply, mumbles “Let’s do this,” and turns off all the lights before sex, you know something’s up. Second, like any man who tallies their sexual conquests on Facebook, Bill has an extensive spreadsheet detailing his exploits, and where he ranks women on a “boner scale” of one to five. I won’t go into details about how I obtained the spreadsheet, but I was devastated when I saw my name next to the number 51, and a measly half-boner! Sure, I’m no “drop dead gorgeous red head from Cleveland” but I am a “clinically alive woman” with “both kidneys” and “a 2010 Honda Civic,” and I think that counts for one-and-a-half boners at least.

What happened that night on the inflatable mattress in my parent’s guest room is between me and Bill. But it hurts to know that while I was telling my friends I had been with THE Bill O’Neill, Judge and Sex God, he was giving me a half-boner on his spreadsheet and writing “Regret eating so many cheese curds beforehand.”

I don’t mind that Bill wrote the post, and I’m happy he edited it to exclude any identifying information about the women he slept with. I just wish he had told the whole truth about his sexual partners, 50 of whom were very attractive.

It’s Me, Bill O’Neill’s 51st Sexual Partner