Listen, I’m sure we’ve all had days where we just want to say “Screw it!” and go be among the swans. But it’s probably a journey best undertaken sober, as evidenced by the Orlando man who got stranded on a fountain this week after he took “a large quantity of molly” and stole a swan boat.
According to BuzzFeed News, police found Keith Thurston, 36, screaming on the fountain in the middle of Lake Eola at 4 a.m last Friday. He reportedly told officers he “wanted to go be with the swans because they don’t judge him.”
Thurston told police that after taking the molly, he stole a swan boat and paddled it to the fountain, where he disembarked, presumably just to like, feel the colors, you know? Unfortunately, Thurston forgot to tie up his boat first, and it floated away, leaving him stranded in the middle of a lake full of extremely chill, nonjudgmental swans.
Charges against Thurston are pending, but no matter what happens, I’m sure his feathered friends will support him.