Who’s the Healthiest Kardashian Sister?


Welcome back, dolls. Last night, Oprah changed the course of humanity with her Golden Globes speech, and Keeping Up With the Kardashians returned for the second half of its 14th season! Let’s break it down: Our A-plot was Kourtney and Kim’s health competition, our B-plot was Khloé’s expressions of anger, and our C-plot was Kris Jenner tracking the whereabouts of her mom, MJ Shannon. For the first time in 2018 … #LEGGO!

Scene 2:

The episode kicks off with the Grand Dame of the Bad Place and plate-sniffer Jonathan Cheban dining at Chin Chin, a favorite restaurant of the Kardashians, with Kim Kardashian. Kim — who’s wearing a black leather top and teeny tiny glasses — admits Kanye West dressed her that morning. In fact, Kanye’s been obsessing over Kim’s looks, even emailing photos of 1990s celebrities wearing small sunglasses (because big frames are OUT!).

But Kim isn’t fazed by Kanye’s antics. She’s more annoyed by her sister Kourtney, who canceled their morning workout. Kourtney is sick, and told Kim that working out will exacerbate her illness. Kim, annoyed by Kourtney’s bodily intuition, rails on her for refusing to take medicine herself or give any to her sick kids, and choosing to go the holistic route instead. Luckily, Kim can air all her grievances to Kourtney herself, who soon joins Kim and John for lunch. Once she sits down, Kourtney apologizes for her tardiness, but doesn’t think her lunch companions should care, since she’s not eating anyway. You see, she’s not eating because she’s sick. Instead, she’s sipping on cayenne pepper and lemon juice to flush out her illness. Kim thinks Kourtney is just leaning into fad-diet culture, and feels her sister’s health beliefs are complete and utter B.S. This scene was filmed on May 8, 2017.

Scene 3:

In Khloé’s closet, Khloé engages her big sisters Kourtney and Kim in a gossip session about their friend “Evelyn.” I’m positive that “Evelyn” isn’t this friend’s real name, because “Evelyn” sure would be embarrassed to learn that the Kardashian sisters were talking about her. You see, “Evelyn” was caught “finger-banging” herself while having a wild night out with Kim, Kourtney, and friends. “Evelyn” is apparently very close to the family, and Khloé knows this information because Kourtney showed Khloé the video of “Evelyn” fingering herself. Khloé’s rightfully shocked that this would happen, for a couple of reasons: To start, she wonders what compelled “Evelyn” to do such a thing in public, and second, she needs to know why Kourtney was so unbothered by it/filmed it.

Kim, who claims to have been there, says “Evelyn” would never do such a thing and calls Khloé a liar. In response, Khloé lashes out at Kim, forcing Kim to admit that she wasn’t even in the finger-banging room because she was asleep. Khloé asks for backup from Kourtney, who initially remains silent. But when Kourtney realizes that Khloé is genuinely upset, she admits to being there and filming “Evelyn” pleasuring herself.

Kim doesn’t have as big of a reaction as one would expect when learning that your adult friend would finger themselves at a party, but she does joke that it’s so easy and fun to get Khloé all worked up. Khloé, still pissed, mutters that it’s so easy to make Kim feel “insecure,” and wants Kim to remember her behavior when Khloé starts talking about her sister’s “fat ass.” This soon-to-be-Emmy-nominated scene was filmed on July 27, 2017.

Scene 4:

Kristen Kardashian Jenner has been charged with babysitting extra from Stranger Things Jonathan Cheban. In her mother’s old Thunderbird, Kris and Jonathan toil around Los Angeles, finally landing on a luxury ice-cream shop, Sloan’s, where they decide to spend their time. During their travels, Kris confesses to Jonathan that even though her mom, MJ, lives close by, she still worries about the 82-year-old colon-cancer survivor. Jonathan thinks that Kris might feel more comfortable if MJ had a tracking device. Kris agrees, but before taking any action, she cosplays as Kylie Jenner with a set of fake lips and splits a “kitchen sink” sundae with Jonathan. This scene was filmed on June 5, 2017.

Scene 5:

At Kim’s, Khloé and Kourtney visit. But before Kim makes an appearance, Khloé and Kourtney FaceTime with their brother, Rob. (Remember him?) Rob’s in the car driving to take classes at Pierce Community College, and he chats with his sisters about Dream, who is teething. Once the oldest and youngest Kardashian woman born of Kris Jenner’s loins end their call, they’re finally ready to engage in conversation with Kim.

Kourtney heads straight to Kim’s refrigerator, where she picks apart everything inside (especially the processed almond milk). Kourtney thinks Kim should do like she does, and have her personal chef whip up a fresh batch of almond milk each week. Khloé says she’s tried doing that and it’s disgusting, while Kim doesn’t even consider making that change. Fed up with her sister’s condescending views on health, Khloé looks up just how beneficial Kourtney’s gluten-free diet is, and she finds that it may be doing her sister more harm than good. Khloé reads that gluten-free diets can lead to a rise in arsenic in the body and cause bad skin. This is fascinating, and possibly accurate, since Kourtney’s skin isn’t the best, reports Khloé. Kourtney shakes off her sister’s accusations, but this does spark a conversation between the trio about the phrase “white on rice,” since rice is heavy in arsenic and a typically gluten-free substitution. This scene was filmed on April 7, 2017.

Scene 6:

Back in her closet, Khloé gossips with Kourtney and Kim. This time, it’s about a woman they met during their Planned Parenthood visit earlier in the season. The young lady sent the women thank-you notes for lending their time, leading the sisters to marvel at how strong she’s being following her HIV diagnosis. Khloé wonders whether the young woman was infected after having unprotected sex with her boyfriend for the first time ever, which causes Kim to think Khloé’s creating too much of a fake narrative and call her sister a liar, again.

Like Scene 3, Khloé really pops off at Kim, calling her a “disloyal” “dipwad” who never gives her sister the benefit of the doubt. Kim thinks Khloé needs to calm down, since she was just clarifying that the woman didn’t explicitly tell them how many times she had unprotected sex before getting diagnosed with HIV. Khloé remains pissed, and Kim remains shocked. This scene was filmed on May 18, 2017.

Scene 9:

At lunch with Everybody’s Favorite Best Friend Malika and her walking Before Photo/”Identical Twin Sister” Khadijah, Khloé explains the tension in her relationship with Kim. The twins understand why Khloé would be mad at Kim for consistently labeling her a liar, but they also think that Khloé should find a way to manage her reactions. Malika in particular thinks that Khloé’s “word vomit” is more harmful in the long run than Kim’s offhand comments. Khloé agrees, and promises to work on her patience to solve her aggression toward Kim. This scene was filmed on June 14, 2017. That’s almost a month before Kim called Khloé a liar in Scene 3 and almost a month after she called Khloé a liar in Scene 6.

Scene 10:

To determine once and for all who is the healthiest among them and finally see which is better — a gluten-free diet or a gluten inclusive one — Kim, Kourtney, and wax figure Jonathan Cheban get a “health test” done. The group head to Kourtney’s “health” doctor, Dr. George Byrnes, who advises Kourtney on her food allergies and gluten-free lifestyle. Dr. Byrnes suggests they do both a blood and urine test to check out all of their “levels.” Kim doesn’t seem excited at all, and Jonathan needs to get his blood drawn while lying down, as he’s prone to getting woozy. After giving blood, they all deposit urine in samples in unsanitary, lidless to-go cups, and Kourtney’s looks particularly plentiful and radioactive. I guess back-to-back packets of Crystal Light, Emergen-C, and Sunkist juice are in a gluten-free diet, because that’s what her pee looks like it’s made of. This scene was filmed on June 6, 2017.

Scene 14:

Alone in her car, Khloé listens to a soothing podcast filled with positive and calming affirmations. As a woman’s quiet voice tells Khloé to be “firm” yet “calm” when expressing anger to others, Khloé literally cackles.

Even though she clearly can’t take the podcast seriously, Khloé thinks she might as well call Kim to apologize for the outbursts in her closet. When Khloé calls Kim, Kim answers, but she doesn’t sound happy. Kim does confess to avoiding Khloé recently, because she doesn’t know when her sister will pop off on her. Khloé apologizes, but Kim doesn’t take it to heart. She tells Khloé to call her back when she’s capable of being a “decent human being” instead of a “cunt,” lets out a powerful “OKKKKRRRR!” and hangs up the phone. This scene was filmed on June 21, 2017.

Scene 15:

At Kourtney’s, she and Kim salivate over doughnuts Kylie sent over. Because she can’t eat the gluten-filled treats, Kourtney takes a big whiff instead. Kim didn’t get any doughnuts from Kylie, and she’s uncharacteristically not that pressed about being left out — which could be because she’s eager to get her and Kourtney’s health results from Dr. Byrnes.

Kourtney calls the doctor, who reveals that both ladies are “clean” and pretty healthy. Kim’s let down because these results do nothing to determine whose diet is officially healthier. Like Scene 3, this scene was filmed on July 27, 2017.

Scene 16:

At Kris Jenner’s home, Kris Jenner stares intently at her laptop, which is tracking the movements of her mom, MJ. After Jonathan Cheban planted the seed in her head, Kris went out and secretly bought her mother shoe inserts with a tracking device in them; now, following her mother’s every move is her new obsession. Kourtney, confused at why her mom is so obsessed with MJ’s whereabouts, thinks her mom is disrespecting her privacy. She says that MJ is the one who taught all of them how to be independent women, so Kris Jenner should respect that and realize that MJ is probably the smartest and most self-sufficient of the bunch. This does enough damage to make Kris feel guilty about stalking her mom, and she promises to come clean to MJ. This scene was filmed on September 7, 2017.

That’s it for this week, Dolls! Catch me back here next week for another #KUWTKE recap of Keeping Up With the Disloyal Dipwads! #BUTKANYESEMAILS

Who’s the Healthiest Kardashian Sister?