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10 New Jobs for Steve Bannon

Steve Bannon, former White House chief strategist and the nation’s angriest uncle, left his position today as executive chairman of Breitbart News, just days after the release of the book Fire and Fury, in which he’s quoted as saying President Trump has “lost his stuff.” Since Bannon appears to have misplaced his job, he’s probably looking for a new one. Here are a few suggestions for him:

• Fashion consultant, because the rest of us aren’t wearing enough overlapping collared shirts.

• Anger-management coach: the kind that coaches you to be angrier.

• Backstabbing best friend, because no president or 13-year-old girl can truly live without one.

• Head of Breitstart, a brand-new, way-further-right publication that finds white Englishmen to be suspiciously tan.

• Skin-care guru for those who want the lowest-maintenance regimen of all time.

• Children’s librarian who only stocks The Art of War and Mein Kampf.

• Pizza chef who deports all tomato sauce, mozzarella cheese, and pepperoni back to Italy.

• Retail CEO who thinks Black Friday is a little too uppity.

• Doctor who tells you that dying without health care is the most cherished part of life.

• Political adviser for all Republican candidates who need to lose a race in Alabama.

10 New Jobs for Steve Bannon