late capitalism

15 Other Mascots We’d Like to See As Women, for Some Reason

Jane Walker. Photo: Diageo

As women across America deal with a wage gap, a lack of paid maternity leave, the threat of decreased reproductive rights, and rampant sexual misconduct, brands have responded by bravely … making female versions of their mascots?

Brawny rolled out a flannel shirt–clad Brawny Woman to hawk paper towels for Women’s History Month last year, while Reba McEntire became the first woman to play KFC’s Colonel Sanders last month. And Johnnie Walker just introduced a “Jane Walker” logo to, per Bloomberg, “draw more women to the world’s best-selling scotch and acknowledge a broader push toward gender equality.”

Well, since we’re doing this … let’s friggin’ go nuts! Here are 15 female versions of brand mascots that we might want to see for some reason, even though no woman has ever actually asked for this.

• The Hamburglaress

• The Jolly Green Giantess

• Ms. Peanut

• The Michelin Woman

• Chelsea Cheetah

• Julia Pringles

• The Burger Queen

• The Kool Aid Woman

• Tonya the Tiger

• Madame Clean

• The Pillsbury Doughgirl

• Ronalda McDonalda

• Cap’n Crunch (but a lady captain)

• Chef Boyardee (but a lady chef)

• The Hamburger Helper (but a lady anthropomorphized glove)

Other Mascots We’d Like to See As Women, for Some Reason