All the Things Women Would Like Instead of a ‘Lady-Friendly’ Chip

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This week, food giant PepsiCo announced they will be launching a new, “lady-friendly” Dorito that will be quieter and less messy than the traditional Dorito.

“Although women would love to crunch crisps loudly, lick their fingers and pour crumbs from the bag into their mouth afterwards, they prefer not to do this in public,” said PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi, before going on to paint this profoundly depressing picture:

You watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom.

Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers.

This new “Ladies Are Best Seen and Not Heard” line of soft, crunchless chips will also come in special packs “specifically designed to fit into women’s handbags,” so you can take your flaccid snacks on the go!

Now, don’t get me wrong — I love quietly sucking on a stale, tear-soaked tortilla chip as much as the next gal, but here are a few other things women might enjoy instead:

-Equal pay.

-Some way to gracefully deal with that awkward period when you’re growing out a pixie cut and your hair is just kind of messy and shaggy.

-Being able to go to work and do our jobs without having to worry about whether someone will make an inappropriate comment or try to fondle us, or worse.

-Red wine that doesn’t give you red wine lips.

-Mandatory paid parental leave.

-For really ripped celebrities to stop saying “I just drink a lot of water and try to get enough sleep!”

-For Meryl Streep to be cast in season two of Big Little Lies. (We did it, baby!)

-Affordable child care.

-For Piers Morgan to self-righteously retweet more embarrassing pictures of himself.

-A comprehensive guide on how to power-clash without seeming like you’re trying too hard.

-Equal representation in every professional sphere.

-To be able to eat tortilla chips in public as loudly and messily as we damn well please.

Things Women Would Like Instead of a ‘Lady-Friendly’ Chip