Rest in peace to the union of Donald Trump Jr. and his wife Vanessa, 2005–2018. Like all great love stories, it began with her calling him “the one with the retarded dad!” and ended with her reportedly filing for divorce because of his bad tweets.
What this means is that Trump Jr. is about to be single — and with singledom comes thirst and with thirst comes the possibility of dating apps. Will Trump Jr. one day make it off the Raya waitlist? He’s definitely more of a League guy, right? And can you imagine the abject horror of coming across his Tinder?
Regardless of the platform, here’s what we could probably expect to see on his profile.
Trump Jr., like many people who exercise, loves to post about how much he exercises (even and especially when his form is very bad). Expect gratuitous CrossFit shots and a “see you in the box ;)” sign-off.
A Professed Enjoyment of Nature
You know that photo of him in the New York Times where he’s sitting forlornly on a tree stump in a flannel shirt, gazing into the distance? This is definitely going to be his main photo, paired with a line by Thoreau he found on BrainyQuote five minutes earlier.
A Wild Animal Pic
Remember when dudes could not stop posing with tigers on Tinder? Trump Jr., noted asshole big-game hunter, will for sure have the worst version of this.
Admittance to Colluding With Russia
Robert Mueller, get on Tinder!
A Family Portrait Featuring One Female Relative and Also Eric Trump
Classic move for guys who want to seem approachable and like they respect women, and also that they know Eric Trump.