kardashian babies

Introducing the Kardashian Cousin Compatibility Chart

North West and Penelope Disick. Photo: Pierre Suu/GC Images

One of the few truly remarkable qualities I have is finding good in a dark space, and Dolls, we’re in a dark time: Keeping Up With the Kardashians is on hiatus. To fill the void, I’ve done what I do best, which is work harder than I ever did in anybody’s school to feed you the truth. I’m so pleased to share with you my Kardashian Cousin Compatibility Chart, also known as the KCCC.

After years of personally educating myself on astrological signs and putting too much weight in the stars, I’ve finally decided to make my own leaping assumptions about Kris Jenner’s grandchildren. What I’ve done for you and the inevitable history books my words will inspire is this: By compiling and sifting through all of the astrological signs of the Kardashian Kousins, I have determined who among this elite group of youngsters will be most and least compatible.

Before you compliment me, know that I am no Susan Miller, for I’m of sound mind (and if I ran an astrological site I’d actually post horoscopes on or before the first of the month, Susan). The only school I’ve studied astrology at costs me $36.99 per month and it’s called My iPhone in the Darkness of My Bedroom University. What I’m trying to say is that while it may seem otherwise, I’m no expert. I just love these kids with all of my heart. Now, #LEGGO.

The Daring Disick Household

Mason Dash Disick
Born: December 14, 2009
Sign: Sagittarius

Mason is a proud Sagittarius and the first child I’ll analyze. Both of my parents are Sagittariuses, so I can confidently state that they are decent people. As many sites and armchair astrologists will tell you, the Sagittarius is a fire sign who loves adventure and is drawn to those who prefer the same. This makes sense: In his eight short years of life, Mason has lived in Calabasas, Miami, Manhattan, and the Hamptons.

Most Sagittariusses prefer to hang around other fire signs, like an Aries or Leo, which means there’s hope Mason will find a pal in Khloé Kardashian’s new baby (who is due during #AriesSeason), but as for a friend who currently exists outside of the womb, his only current hope is his mom, Kourtney, who’s an Aries, or an imaginary play pal. Sadly, it looks like Mason and the most popular Child of Calabasas, North West, must clash — Sagittariuses and Geminis don’t really mesh. Sucks for Mason and his dad, Scott, who is also a Gemini.

Most Compatible Cousin: His brother Reign, LMAO
Least Compatible Cousin: North West

Penelope Scotland (yes, that is really her middle name) Disick
Birthday: July 8, 2012
Sign: Cancer

Ah, little Penelope. When she’s not busy getting hit in the head with car doors or being forced to publicly admit that she’ll always be second best, at best, by wearing a “What Would North Do” top, she enjoys being a Cancer. Unfortunately, as my stray notes would suggest, “it’s not great for P.” Yes, she and North West have a BFF-ship that would make Oprah and Gayle jealous, but the stars tell another story. North, a Gemini, and Penelope, a Cancer, just aren’t astrologically meant to be. Yes, they can make it work, but the world wide web is telling me that a “Cancer could feel that Gemini don’t value them or are disregarding them,” in a friendship. Uhh, *sobs in “What Would North Do” T-shirt*!!!

Sadly, our very own Penelope might as well take the knowledge she has as a water sign, form an island, and hope for the best. Personally, I don’t know many Cancers, but the internet tells me that a Cancer will always meet you “with love, care, and hospitality.” Sweet, but on the other side of that coin they “also carry hurt for a long time.” And, last I checked, car doors and public displays of disrespect hurt like hell, beloveds. Still, despite this hurt, they’re loyal to a fault, and can’t seem to tear themselves away from toxic relationships, which poor Penelope may be trapped in. You see, she’s the only non-Sagittarius child of Kourtney and Scott’s, and the Cancer and Sagittarius relationship is “seriously [a] struggle.” Same goes for a Cancer’s friendship with an Aquarius — if Penelope was hoping to swap out North for Stormi, she’s out of luck.

Most Compatible Cousin: ***crickets***
Least Compatible Cousin: Don’t make me say it … North West.

Reign Aston Disick
Birthday: December 14, 2014
Sign: Sagittarius

Reign, metaphorically benched in every conversation surrounding the Kardashian/Jenner offspring but far and away the family’s most valuable player, is my favorite child in Calabasas. Because they share the same birthday (five years apart), Reign and Mason share a sign. Like Mason, Reign is affable to many around him, but that’s about it. Much like myself, Reign is so cute it nearly burns the retina, but there’s not much personality to back it up (I’m honest with myself, take note everyone else!). There is hope yet for Reign to form a connection with his little cousin Stormi, because their closeness in age and astrological compatibility are promising. These two signs like to be social with one another and maybe enjoy a sport or two. With that knowledge, I’d suggest a KarJennerDisickWesbsterDasian Little League team, Kris!

Most Compatible Cousin: Stormi Webster
Least Compatible Cousin: North West

The House of West

North West
Birthday: June 15, 2013
Sign: Gemini

Slap me on the pinky toe and call me Shopkins, because this girl right here is the Grand Dame of the Calabasas Cousin Collective. As a Gemini, MSN Australia says that North’s kind are “extremely popular,” given their “sociable nature.” They vibe with other air signs, like the Aquarius; so once her cousin gets to walking and talking, North may find a pal in Stormi. Geminis are also into super diverse mixes of people, which means North’s soul has landed in the right household. Still, like her Gemini father, Kanye West, North has a lot of learning to do when it comes to interacting with others. In the case of her relationship with Penelope, yes, it obviously can and will work, but due to their clashing energies there will be drama. Penelope’s Cancer mood “can get under [North’s] skin, while [North’s] thoughtless remarks can pierce the [Penelope’s] heart.” Like much of the 100 percent scientific facts I’m presenting to you all, this tracks.

If you’ll allow me to move on to the overwhelming Sagittatus members of the extended Calabasas Cousin Committee, you’ll find that North’s overbearing personality may not sit right with Mason, Reign, or even her brother Saint. Apparently, Geminis and Sagittariuses are “astrological opposites,” but they can bond over their mutual love for diverse atmospheres. However, they clash as a result of the Gemini “tendency to stretch the truth” and the Sagittarius “holier-than-thou” attitude. Yikes! I just hope Kris Jenner finds a way to get her grandchildren to cope with their clashing personalities before North and Mason end up like Gemini Kanye West and his mortal enemy, Sagittarius Taylor Swift. It’s written in the stars and the tabloids, dolls.

Most Compatible Cousin: Stormi Webster
Least Compatible Cousins: Mason, Reign, and Saint

Saint West
Birthday: December 5, 2015
Sign: Sagittarius

The toddler, the myth, the (will most likely be) legend. At this point, Sagittarians in this family are as common as LipKit collaborations, but Saint, unlike his Sagittarian Cousins, Mason and Reign, may find the best compatibility outside of the home.

We’ve established that he won’t have much luck forging a friendship with his Gemini sister North, and unfortunately, the same goes for Capricorn Chicago. My sources online tell me that Sags and Caps make a “strange pair of friends.” However, like North, Saint may find solace in the eye of the Stormi, for Aquarians and Sagittarians are a friendship match made in heaven. Though the infant cannot sit up unassisted, she’s already proving herself to be the backbone of this family. Get ready for this lofty premonition: Tarot.com foresees Stormi wowing Saint with her
“mastery of quantum physics,” while Saint impresses Stormi with his “flawless French.” The future is bright in Calabasas! The cousin Saint won’t have luck with is Dream, a Scorpio. What it boils down to is that Scorpios and Sags lack respect for one another, which makes any type of relationship impossible. Again, I didn’t write the stars, I just report on them!

Most Compatible Cousin: Stormi Webster
Least Compatible Cousin: Dream Kardashian

Chicago West
Birthday: January 15, 2018
Sign: Capricorn

She’s about 2 months old, but that won’t stop me from deciding which of her cousins are destined to be her BFFs and which will be mortal enemies. As a Capricorn, Chicago will most likely have the best relationship with her Scorpio older cousin, Dream Kardashian, and the worst with her yet-to-be-born cousin, Khloé Kardashian’s baby girl, who will most likely be an Aries. On a happier note, Chicago’s inability to form words and Dream’s brand-new ability to do so won’t hinder their relationship one bit. The online space that we all occupy tells me, “although [they] may not talk very much, [Capricorns and Scorpios] can share comfortable silences, which is tremendously rewarding.” How’s that for a reading?

Most Compatible Cousin: Dream Kardashian
Least Compatible Cousin: Not-Born-Yet Baby Girl Thompson

Life Is But a Dream

Dream Renée Kardashian
Birthday: November 10, 2016
Sign: Scorpio

Oh boy, only in the Kardashian cousins’ dreams will Dream ever give one single flying fuck about any of her cousins once they’re all of age to rehash their families’ combined drama. Now, for Dream, her distance from her cousins won’t have much to do with their respective signs, but more to do with one MAJOR trait in hers: As a Scorpio, Dream is seen as “loyal,” but Scorpions can “turn out to be bitter enemies if they are ever offended.” Blac Chyna’s lawsuit against Kim and Kris may have been tossed out of the courtroom, but babies, believe me when I tell you that you don’t need a court of law to sour your mind against raggedy family members! Her future with that family is about as crooked as her mama and auntie’s Photoshop fail.

Most Compatible Cousin: Stormi Webster
Least Compatible Cousin: Saint West

Weather the Stormi

Stormi Webster
Birthday: February 1, 2018
Sign: Aquarius

Aquarius Stormi Webster is an air sign with a water name who gets along with fire people. Perhaps surprising for someone whose gestation was done entirely in secret, she prioritizes an open and honest lifestyle and enjoys having many friends. This is great news for all of her cousins, because her sign is amicable with almost everyone … except for Cancers, which is, unfortunately, Penelope Disick’s sign*. Does North West really need another friend?

Most Compatible Cousin: North West
Least Compatible Cousin: Penelope Disick

Khloé’s Kin

The UnBorn
Birthday: TBD
Sign: Aries (most likely)

If the rumors are true, Khloé’s child is set to be born in mere weeks and she’ll be an Aries, like myself. I don’t need to consult any outside resources, because I know that this child will have a personality compatible with everyone (except for losers and ugly people), will be so nice it actually rips people’s hearts out of their chests, and will be tall and beautiful like her parents, and me. Plus, her favorite cousin will be Reign Disick because he is the cutest and most underrated. #FactsOnly.

Most Compatible Cousin: Reign Disick
Least Compatible Cousin: Time will tell

Well, I hope you all have learned something, and you take this knowledge with you in some way. I’ll use it to think more about why God has led me to do the work that I do, but more importantly: I will use it to spread the gospel that these kids are icons and should be treated as such. #HOROSCOPES4EVA

*The original version incorrectly stated North West’s sign in the Stormi Webster section. We regret the error!

Introducing the Kardashian Cousin Compatibility Chart