The Accountant Worried She’s a Tease

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New York’s Sex Diaries series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. This week, an accountant with two months left of a six-month stay in New York: 25, straight, single, Chelsea.

DAY ONE

7:30 a.m. Lying in bed and deciding that this morning will be a dry-shampoo day. I stayed out too late last night getting drinks with M.

M and I first made out after getting drunk at a work happy hour a few weeks ago. We both work for a large accounting firm and until recently we were in the same group. After his switch, he started messaging me and I decided to ask him to drinks. It was very fun; I’ve forgotten how fun it can be to flirt. We didn’t leave the bar until 1 or so last night. We made out a little in the train station and he wanted to come home with me but I said no. A couple minutes after parting ways, he texted saying, “You sure?” I couldn’t help but smile a little bit.

8 p.m. I’m leaving an aerial yoga class. I’ve never done it before, but it was interesting. There were parts that were so silly I had to keep myself from laughing. But I’m proud of myself — a couple years ago I never would’ve done something like that by myself. I have to go home and get ready quickly because I am meeting my best friend in Williamsburg to see her friend’s band play.

1 a.m. The band was not great but we hung around at the bar after and there ended up being a lot of cute guys. It was a small space so I could tell they were eyeing us — and I’m sure they could tell we were eyeing them too, but no one made a move. Some days my confidence is soaring and some days I have a hard time mustering up the courage to talk to guys. Tonight was the latter so eventually I give up on meeting any boys and head home.

2 a.m. In a Lyft. (I live in Chelsea so it always takes me a while from Brooklyn.) I decide to respond to a text M sent earlier in the day, just to say hi. He doesn’t write back.

DAY TWO

1 p.m. Spent the morning running errands. Now I’m back home and tired from being up late the past two nights. I decide I deserve a nap even though I really should be doing some work.

9 p.m. M texts asking if I’m going out tonight. I tell him I’m going to bed early tonight because I went out the night before. He says that explains my 2 a.m. text. Then he says he was hoping it would say, “Come over.” It’s nice knowing that he wants me but it also makes me feel guilty, like I’m being a tease.

I always need some time to decide if I want to have sex. Sometimes I feel like it’s almost unfair to continue spending time with someone, making out with them, implying maybe there may be more to come without actually knowing if that’s true.

DAY THREE

9:30 a.m. I had scheduled out my whole day today and am already starting off an hour and a half behind. I’m a very routine-oriented person — it just makes me feel better to take care of a lot of things during the weekend so I don’t have to worry about much during the week.

10:30 a.m. Heading to the gym now. I’m from Charlotte and here for about six months for work, and I have about two months left. Since I don’t know too many people in New York, joining a gym has really helped me feel a little less stir-crazy up here.

6 p.m. I’m working on my maid-of-honor toast for one of my best friend’s wedding this weekend. My mom calls so I quickly talk to her and my dad. I tell my dad I’m nervous for the wedding and he goes, “Why? You’re not in it, are you?” I know I’ve told him I’m the maid of honor. I know he can’t help it but shit like that annoys me so much. I’ve found myself getting irrationally mad at boyfriends for not remembering things because it makes me feel like they don’t care.

10 p.m. I’m adding the finishing touches to my toast. I had a dream the other night that I had forgotten to write it and was frantically trying to put something together between the ceremony and the reception. Glad to have it out of the way now!

10:30 p.m. I decide to reward myself on being so productive today by masturbating. I get out my vibrator and find something on Pornhub. This is the only vibrator I’ve ever owned, and it’s always served me well.

DAY FOUR

9:30 a.m. Currently partaking in one of my guilty pleasures — looking at rooms for rent on Craigslist in San Francisco. I’ve been toying with the idea of moving to San Francisco for the past three months. I’ve really been toying with the idea of moving somewhere else for much longer, but I visited SF in November and I loved it there. I’ve lived in North Carolina my whole life so I feel now is as good of a time as any to go somewhere new, and I’m lucky enough to work for a firm that I think would really try to make a transfer work for me.

10 p.m. I didn’t have to work as late as I thought I would and got home too late to catch the start of The Bachelor so I decided to go to the gym. The workout was fine but this is the first time in a while I’m leaving the gym feeling a little down on my body and more anxious than I was when I got there. It’s times like these that I wish I had someone to come home to that would help distract me from myself.

I honestly really want a relationship and I’ve felt that way for a while. It’s been around 2.5 years since I broke up with my last boyfriend, whom I dated for almost a year. In that time I’ve done more dating than I ever have before. I just don’t particularly find dating enjoyable, which makes it hard for me to put in the effort. I also am incredibly picky. It’s not just that I don’t want to settle, it’s that it truly goes against my nature to settle.

DAY FIVE

9:30 a.m. At work. I always have a hard time getting focused in the morning so I’ll usually read my horoscope. Apparently Mercury is in my seduction sector and Jupiter in my romance zone?

11 p.m. Still at work. I’m trying to get a lot done before I leave Thursday to head back to Charlotte for the wedding. I realized M hasn’t messaged me the past two days, which is odd because he was messaging me every day for the last week. The tiny thought that he must have decided I’m a tease and not worth the trouble enters my brain, but overall I’m pleased that I don’t really care that much. I don’t really have much energy anymore to try to decipher why guys do whatever weird confusing things they do.

11:30 p.m. I realize on the way home that it’s the fourth anniversary of my breakup with C. That day, I ran into him at the grocery store buying me an orchid for Valentine’s Day. He came over later that night and I just burst into tears. I couldn’t bear the thought of going to dinner with him and pretending everything was okay. It wasn’t that anything happened — I just wasn’t happy anymore. We did a pretty good job of maintaining a friendship until he got a new girlfriend and stopped reaching out.

I try not to think about the possibility of them getting engaged anytime soon. It’s not that I want him back. I just want to be happy first.

DAY SIX

9 a.m. One thing I love about NYC is seeing so many attractive men on any given day walking down the street. Sometimes I can’t help but stare and whenever I make eye contact, I wonder if they find me attractive too or if they think my hat is weird or something.

7 p.m. On my way home to walk my dog. I’ll have to go back to the office after. Today’s Valentine’s Day — I’ve never really cared much about this “holiday.” I can’t even remember being excited about it when I’ve been in relationships. But there’s something kind of magical about witnessing it in NYC. men walking home with flowers, girls wearing red lipstick, couples more smiley than usual.

11 p.m. In bed now, thinking about going home this weekend. I was raised in a middle-class family, in the suburbs, going to church. Now, I don’t even think about religion and I’m perfectly happy with that, but there was a period of time where I intended to wait for marriage to have sex. Luckily that mind-set didn’t fuck up my views about sex, though I do have some other friends that struggled with feeling guilty about their sexuality because of that. I’m also an only child and used to be very shy, which caused me to be pretty sheltered. The combination of those two things meant I got next to no attention from boys in high school. In college, I dated C almost the whole time. I really didn’t start getting attention from men until I graduated and started working.

DAY SEVEN

2 p.m. Today has been a very busy day so far but one of those days where I feel really challenged and satisfied at work. I’m starting to kind of think one of my managers might have a bit of a crush on me. I tend to find him staring at me during meetings. The average age at the firm is so young that I can honestly hardly believe we get anything done without all the sexual tension getting in the way.

4 p.m. M messages me about a guy I should reach out to because he is leaving the firm to get his Ph.D., which is something I’m interested in doing one day. I send the guy a message and give him my personal email address and he gives me his as well. He also invites me to his going-away happy hour tonight — I wish I could go but I have to leave work to go straight to the airport.

I try to keep the convo going with M a bit too, but I’m really busy and he’s not giving me much to go off of.

7 p.m. I’m at the airport waiting for my flight. I’m so happy to be going home for a weekend. I know I’ll have to try to squeeze in a little work when I can, but I’m going to try to just really soak everything up and enjoy time with the people I love.

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The Accountant Worried She’s a Tease