Shonda Rhimes’s masterpiece Scandal, which ends on Thursday night after seven seasons, isn’t just a show about a powerful crisis manager, Washington insiders, epic white outfits, sometimes murder, often crime, and a whole lot of drama. No, it’s also a show about horny politicos who can’t stop banging each other all over the place. A secret White House control room full of computers? A dedicated bone-zone. The Oval Office? More like the oral-sex office. And trees? Why, they’re just nature’s hotel rooms to these people.
From President Fitzgerald Grant III and Olivia Pope boning all over the West Wing (before their postcoital conversations about jam and Vermont) to some hot spy-on-spy action, here are a few of the best hookup scenes from Scandal.
The Ultimate Threesome: Olivia, Fitz, and a Tree
In season two, episode three, Olivia and Fitz’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-oh-look-back-on affair traveled from the White House to the great outdoors. The scene opens with Fitz taking off Olivia’s stellar pumps and putting on some hiking shoes, because no one had told her where she was going and therefore she did not dress appropriately. The two proceed to have one of their typically dramatic conversations about why they can’t be together — national security, jealousy, and classified information (how so them of them!) — and next thing you know, they’re passionately making out and moaning against a tree. Fitz’s Secret Service agents nod at each other and politely look away.
The Mind-Fuck Sex Dream
The best mind-fuck sex dream in sex-dream history went down in season four, episode seven, in which Olivia is dreaming of swimming, and suddenly, she’s not only dream-banging Jake (the B613 spy agent she half-loves) but also Fitz (the president she whole-loves). The dream doesn’t involve an actual threesome (don’t worry, Tree), but it does involve Olivia hooking up with Jake, who turns into Fitz, who turns back into Jake, and so on, and so forth. It has all the trippiness of a Christopher Nolan film and all the horniness of a Shonda Rhimes sex scene. Then the dream takes a non-sexy turn when her dad (who runs B613, how complicated!) tells Olivia to wake up.
The Presidential Candidate and the Press Secretary
Scandal begins with Fitz (the president) having an affair with his former director of communications (Olivia). But in season six, episode two, our savior Shonda Rhimes shifts that dynamic around by giving us the gift of presidential candidate Senator Mellie Grant (the former First Lady and now ex-wife of Fitz) hooking up with White House press secretary Marcus. The pair developed feelings for each other when he worked on her campaign with Olivia, and we see in flashbacks that after they watched Mellie throw the first pitch of a baseball game on TV together (a true aphrodisiac), they finally made out. It’s extremely hot, but alas, Marcus has to leave her campaign to become the press secretary under Fitz because it’s all too complicated, and Olivia gets involved.
Post-Baptismal Electronics-Closet Sex
Our boned-up lovers Fitz and Olivia reunite in season two, episode 14, in an unexpected, and yet at the same time completely expected, way: He pulls her into a closet and they bang it out. While the grabbing may sound questionable, this is a constant in their sexcapades: He drags or pushes her into something, she seems to like it, and so we assume there’s consent, and then they make sweet, sweet love. It’s a move that we at the Cut have coined as “The Fitz.” Anyway, this time the banging occurs around a bunch of computer cords and electronics equipment in a closet after a child’s baptism (of course). We even see him take off her underwear and they go at it from behind. Scandal indeed.
Top-Secret Spy Boning in a Public Parking Garage
Huck is a spy! Quinn is a lawyer who had to change her identity after she was framed for a bombing she didn’t commit, and then she learned spy tricks and now she basically acts like a spy! And wouldn’t you believe these two spy-esque characters got it on? In season three, episode 17, Huck and Quinn — who both enjoy killing and torturing people, which we guess is a cute thing to have in common — have a VERY aggressive hookup in a parking garage on top of and in between two cars. It’s so aggressive that he literally rips her tights off, even though tights don’t grow on trees! We hope he bought her a new pair.
The Flashback Oval Office Bang (in Which Olivia Has Bangs)
In a flashback scene in season two, episode eight (what a horny season!), Olivia and Fitz celebrate his inauguration by hooking up in the Oval Office. Olivia — who always has great hair — is sporting her campaign bangs in this scene, which is fitting because then she bangs the brand-new president, how funny. They hook up on top of the president’s historic Resolute desk — the same desk JFK Jr. was photographed playing under, which is uncomfortable and sad for us to remember — in an extremely hot way, and he once again takes off her underwear. We guess that’s also a key component to “The Fitz”!
Celebratory Hookup After ‘Taking Care of’ (A.K.A. Severely Beating) Someone
Cyrus Beene, Fitz’s former chief of staff and then Frankie Vargas’s campaign manager and then a presidential candidate and then, well, it’s too complicated to explain any more, is just always getting into trouble. In season six, episode three, Tom (the president’s former Secret Service agent who was also in B613 this whole time) lets Cyrus know that he has “taken care of” this chick who could potentially derail Vargas’s candidacy. Tom starts kissing Cyrus’s neck passionately and telling Cyrus that he should be president. They are both breathing heavily during this scene. Tom offers to murder Vargas and starts taking off Cyrus’s belt. It’s hot.
When Olivia’s the (Spy) Boss
Olivia’s always been the boss of the men in her life metaphorically speaking, but when she becomes the “command” of spy agency B613 (while also working at the White House), she also becomes the literal boss of Jake, her ex-boyfriend/occasional sex partner/newly married friend/spy employee. In season seven, episode one, they hook up and then she wants to get down to actual spy business, and he gets all cranky about it. So then she reminds him that they are just having casual romps in the hay but formally spying together, and they have angry yet also emotionless sex.
Spy Sex on Top of Incriminating Photos
If there’s one thing we know about spies from Scandal, it’s that they loooove to both spy and have sex — particularly when the sex involves spying! In season two, episode nine, Huck discovers that his girlfriend “Becky” set him up to take the fall after she shot Fitz, and then he breaks into her apartment and finds a ton of surveillance photographs she had taken of him. He confronts her without saying a word, and who would have guessed, they bang on top of the dang pics. Huck even licks her back!
Shonda Rhimes … thank you for these.