Avengers: Infinity War is a 17-hour, Ingmar Bergman-esque drama about the the dangers of love, the book of Genesis, what it means to be alive, and gemstones. Personally I can’t recommend seeing it — Benedict Cumberbatch’s magic-summoning movements made me uncomfortable, plus I demand lasting consequences in at least fiction if not reality — but if you think it will make you happy I say: please, go ahead. You must enjoy life, and you will be in great company. It’s wildly long but it keeps its pace well enough, particularly if you have two glasses of wine before and one margarita during.
It also helps if you keep a tally of all of the ways it reminds you of your dog throughout, because you’ve been away from him at this movie for so long, and you miss him. Not to talk about myself — I never would — but here are the things in it that reminded me of my dog:
They include SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!:
The Outriders throwing themselves against the Wakanda shield.
Outriders, according to this website, are a “mindless species of aliens subservient to Thanos and the Black Order.” Aw. Of course, my dog isn’t mindless, he is brilliant, but he’s certainly dog-like, which is how I would describe the Outriders. They both gallop like dogs, etc. Plus, like the Outriders, my dog possess “superhuman physical abilities.”
Thanos’s love for Gamora.
Yes, Thanos wiped out most of the Zehoberei, Gamora’s race, but he also adopted Gamora. You have to give that to him. And he loved her, so much so that he had to kill her in order to get the soul stone, in order to kill half of everybody else. And what does that remind you of? Yes: how I adopted my dog and love him.
When Thanos’s big hand was on regular-sized heads.
Aww. Thanos’s big hand on little heads. It’s like when your big hand is on a little dog head.
Vision’s stoic selflessness.
I know for a fact that my dog would tell his girlfriend to kill him in order to keep Thanos from getting the final Infinity Stone he needed to commit genocide.
Gamora’s stoic selflessness.
I know for a fact that my dog would tell his boyfriend to kill him in order to keep Thanos from getting information that would allow him to obtain an Infinity Stone he needed to commit genocide.
Teen Groot, Rocket, and Dr. Strange’s cape.
All these little guys were kinda like my dog in different ways. Loyal; wily; moody; sweet; and, in the case of Rocket, an animal.
Whenever Peter Parker was a little sweetie.
My dog is a little sweetie, so, of course, I saw him reflected on-screen each time Peter Parker was a little sweetie. Whenever he used his little boy voice, etc. Whenever he was brave. Whenever he didn’t know how to be a superhero particularly. My dog would be like that, I bet, if he were a superhero. Also my dog’s name is Peter (!).
How Jeremy Renner wasn’t in it.
I love you, Peter (my dog)!