For a relationship to function properly there must be an element of trust. When a friend shares a fear, her friend must not laugh; when a friend tells a secret, her friend must not blab; when a friend eats her own feces immediately after defecating, her friend must not talk about it on Jimmy Kimmel Live. These are truths so elemental I feel ridiculous in the act of typing them out, however it has become obvious that there are some of us out there who may need reminding.
Thursday night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Shia LaBeouf spoke about the French Bulldog puppy he recently adopted with his wife, Mia Goth. “Who cares?” you’re thinking. Correct, but I’d ask that you not interrupt me. Of the puppy, he said — in a disclosure so bold in its cruelty and lack of compassion that, I should warn you, your breath may be momentarily taken away — “he likes to eat his own doo-doo.”
After a callous pantomime of the number two-consuming act, LaBeouf debases his good boy — a good boy who would never share any of his secrets — further, saying, “He does it so fast, it’s not like there’s any thinking going on.” A private moment this puppy has shared with what he thought was his new friend, now on display. A secret, told. A friendship — tested.
How does LaBeouf stop his friend, the dog, from eating his own feces? Well. If your instinct is that LaBeouf would let at least this piece of information stay between him and his friend, the dog, I am sad to inform you that you are mistaken. If your instinct is that he prevents the consumption of the feces by picking it up and disposing of it himself, well, you are also mistaken. Instead, as he tells Kimmel and the world, he puts hot sauce on it.
A sad day, indeed, for man’s “best friend.”