NEW MOM explores the brilliant, terrible, wonderful, confusing realities of first-time motherhood. It’s for anybody who wants to be a new mom, is a new mom, was a new mom, or wants really good reasons to never be a new mom.
As we recently reported, new motherhood can redefine a woman’s relationship to sex — and what that means varies from woman to woman. But what’s it like for the new dads on the other end of the vaginal tears, extreme tiredness, and total disregard for anything sexy-time? Below, three dads on their experience with sex and the new mom.
“I’d Really Like to Have More Sex”
My wife had a baby three years ago. Before the baby, we had sex a few time a week. It was always great sex, wild, not too kinky, but awesome sex … it was always a great stress relief, that’s for sure.
Our sex life has not bounced back to where it was, but I’m trying to be patient. We have sex once a month now, maybe twice a month sometimes. We’ve tried to schedule it in but there’s nothing less arousing than that. When we have sex, it’s not great sex. It’s low-energy sex, but I’ll take it. I won’t complain about that. The downward spiral of our sex life does make me frustrated with the marriage and pretty angry — not at her, but at the situation. It makes me think of the Chris Rock bit about how you had all the same relationship problems in the beginning of things but “You were fucking then!”
Having sex just takes the sting out of everyday life. Having sex helps you get through all the bullshit that is being a parent in New York. I’d really like to have more sex. My wife had a C-section, so there’s really no physical issue with her body. She’s just tired all the time. I’m tired too but never too tired to have sex. I’ve tried to bring it up a few times and she’s basically like, “Fuck you, shut up.” Which I respect … but … I feel a little stuck in a situation that doesn’t seem to be getting better. I’m not sure what to do about it.
“She’s Still Feeling a Little Fragile”
My wife was pretty torn up down there. It was like third-degree tears, which might not be the proper terminology but it sounded something like that. She was such a rock star delivering our daughter and she’s such a great mom. I’m just in a place where I basically envy and worship her for all she’s done. So I’d never push for her to give me more action … even though, would I like more action? Hell yes. Wouldn’t every man?
Our daughter was born six months ago. It took about three months for everything to heal. So that means we’ve been cleared for sex for three months now. I think I’ve gotten a handful of blow jobs and we’ve had sex four or five times. All of the above was very, very nice. I can’t say it was “better sex” than we had before because I think she’s still feeling a little fragile, physically and emotionally. But whatever sex we’ve had lately was well worth the wait and sexual frustration. I’m just following my wife’s lead at this point. My daughter and I are in very good hands with this fine woman. Whatever my wife wants — more sex, no sex, kinky sex — I’m down. I love you, honey!
“At First, My Wife Was Horny AF”
So we started hooking up right away. I was totally not expecting it. My wife came home from the hospital and was essentially Horny As Fuck. She had a vaginal birth so of course we couldn’t have sex until her doctor said okay, but we did everything else pretty much right away. I mean, babies sleep all day in the beginning and I was on paternity leave, so we were just like: hmmm, let’s get busy? I think she blew me the week we came home with our daughter. She’d also take my hands and put them on her tits all the time. This is pretty personal but one night she tied me up and gave me a handjob.
I asked her what made her so into me during this strange period of time, and she said it was just a really happy, joyful time and that made her want to be with me. I have to think this had something to do with hormones. Like, maybe she wasn’t quite herself. Because it didn’t last long. After a few months home, our sex life became almost nonexistent.
Our daughter is 1 now and we simply do not have sex. My wife says it’s a phase and I’m not that worried about it, but we we did go from hot to cold really fast. I’m just trying to ride the wave, all while figuring out how to be a great dad and partner. Honestly, sex isn’t the most important thing to me right now anyway. It really, truly isn’t.