new mom

10 New Moms on the Truth About Sex After Pregnancy

Illustration: Leona, age 4

NEW MOM explores the brilliant, terrible, wonderful, confusing realities of first-time motherhood. It’s for anybody who wants to be a new mom, is a new mom, was a new mom, or wants really good reasons to never be a new mom.

Sex in the first few months (or years) after having a baby? Everyone’s different: Some women have physical obstacles or pain, or just feel “touched out” from attending to their infants all day. Other moms are so filled with happy, hyper feelings and endorphins that they’re actually … horny. Here, ten women on what sex feels like after becoming a mom.

“Do It Once a Month”

Here’s what I’d tell a pregnant lady on sex post-baby: You’re NOT going to want it. You might not want it for a year post-baby, even two years post-baby. My kid is 2, and I honestly don’t know when my sex drive will come back. Now, the only problem here is your man is going to want it. And if you don’t fuck your man, bad things can happen. I’m sorry but that’s just truthfulness.

So … you have to blow him. And then, eventually, you have to sleep with your man. Do it once a month once your body is ready. From what I hear, the sex drive will come back, but with me and my friends … it still hasn’t.

“It All Stays the Same”

As a queer woman who had a baby via sperm donor, I’d say your relationships with sex is the same after baby as it is before baby. If you’re highly sexual before, you will be after. If you have intimacy issues before, you will after. You can’t blame everything on the baby! Now that I’m a new mom, I’ve become more a romantic, and I enjoy kissing girls and intimacy with various partners perhaps more than ever, but my libido is the same as it always was — not a raging sex addict, never was!

“I Don’t Want to Think About It”

I was very horny while pregnant — but not for my partner or any other physical being. I would masturbate several times a day. It was just for private one-on-one pleasure. I liked touching my body and I liked having these powerful orgasms because I felt the hormones were good for the baby inside. Feel-good hormones.

Anyway, my horniness while pregnant excited me because I thought I’d have the baby and continue to be horny. I wasn’t such a horny person before any of this, and it’s always been a problem in my relationship — he’s just hornier than me. Then I had my son. It was a C-section but pretty standard. The recovery and then exhaustion kicked in and sex was/is the last thing I want or think about. It’s been six months now. I’ve had sex with my partner maybe three times, and I sense it’s an issue for him, but honestly I don’t give a shit. In general I believe in communication but I don’t want to hear it right now.

I’m running on fumes, and it honestly feels nothing short of mean for him to want any more from me than I’m already giving to our life. I hope it changes because I don’t want to be in a sexless relationship, I know that leads to nothing good, but I’m not worrying about it right now. I can honestly say: I don’t want to think about my sex life. I don’t care how that sounds or who it offends.

“Torn and Traumatized”

I had my daughter seven weeks ago. My vagina is torn and traumatized after a monstrous birth and I need to wait this one out for another month or two. The doctors told me I had a tear, but didn’t give me many details. I later found out it was a level two tear, which means it also went through the muscle. I vaguely remember them stitching me up in the middle of the birth for another weird tear too … I told my partner I couldn’t even think about sex for a while and he was fine with it, given he had taken a peek down there when the baby came out. I think he needs some time to recover, too.

“No Big, Black Dildos”

It took four months before I allowed any penetration from my husband. However, we got into some other stuff, kinky stuff after about a month. We got really into soft, squishy lesbian porn with lots of petting and sensuality. If any lesbian brought out a big, black dildo, I’d be like nooooooo and slam the computer shut. I needed gentle-gentle everything for a while.

Now that my daughter is almost a year old, we have sex again, but I’m still really only into the gentle “love-making” kind. I tell my boyfriend if he wants to fuck the shit out of someone, he’s going to have to join Ashley Madison.

“I Wanted My Husband”

At six weeks after having your kid, you go to your doctor for a follow-up appointment. It’s to check out your full body, but also to get the green light on having sex again. Most of my friends go home to their husbands and say the doctor said they still can’t have sex. They’re trying to, you know, buy time.

But I didn’t do that. For some reason, I got the green light and I ran home and jumped my husband. He’d been so good to me and our little one — he really stepped up — and I found that really sexy. Sure I was tired, but I also really wanted him. After that six-week appointment we went back to sex every other night or so. My daughter is almost one now and I’m sure we’ll get pregnant with another soon, at this rate.

“Zero Interest”

Real talk: I will always choose sleep over sex. I have zero interest in it. Physically and mentally I have not been in it to win it for a solid three months and counting. (My son is 3 months old.) Plus, my breastfeeding boobs are the least sexual thing ever! Not to mention I haven’t shaved my legs or vagina in god knows how long.

We did have sex once very recently, and I guess I enjoyed pleasing my husband. Missionary, nothing special. But it was like a present to him, from me, and I love him, so it felt very good giving him something he wanted. But I got nothing out of it and didn’t pretend to. He didn’t seem to mind.

“That’s Funny”

Sex? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha.

“Affection Is Arousing”

My situation is unique because I’m a single mom — I’m not responsible for fucking anyone post-pregnancy … which I think kind of makes me lucky?! I was kind of dating someone during my pregnancy, but he’s not the father. My son is now 4 months old and we’ve picked up here we left off a little bit. I mean, I have to pump during our dates and it’s all kind of crazy, but it’s time to start hooking up again.

I can’t say I’m craving sex specifically, but I am eager to be touched and held by someone. The thought of affection turns me on more than anything. I worry if we had a big date that resulted in sex in the end, I would be that person who falls asleep when he leaves the room to get a condom or something. I’m just really physically tired. But I’m willing to rally.

“You Shouldn’t Have to Explain More Than Once”

Pregnant women with straight male partners should prepare the man for the worst. It’s your body and your body has just been to hell and back. There’s a PTSD involved in childbirth, even in the best scenarios. You might not want to be touched or penetrated for a long, long time. And you might not want to touch or get someone else off for a long, long time. Tell your partner the shop is closed until you — and only you — say it’s opened again. You shouldn’t have to explain this more than once. Anyone aggravated by it can suck their own dick.

The New Mom’s Guide to Sex