Babe, your boyfriend is great. He has a steady job. He brought you breakfast in bed on your birthday: an egg and toast. (He didn’t bring you coffee, but that’s just because he doesn’t know how to make it.) He’s so sweet. And, if not conventionally tall for a man, he’s at least taller than you are. What I’m trying to say is that there is no reason for you to be jealous of my boyfriend, James Oliver, just because he’s a time traveler visiting from the year 6491 and your boyfriend is regular.
Yes, okay, not only is he a time traveler from the future (the year 6491), but he is also from a planet “further away from the sun” than Earth, where “years are longer,” technically making me much younger than you are if we are to consider my age in terms of the length of my boyfriend’s planet’s years. Yes, okay! It’s fine! Honey, age is nothing! Honestly, I’d kill to be your age. The gravitas!
And, honestly, so what if everyone is talking about how my boyfriend passed a lie detector test about how he’s from the future for the YouTube channel ApexTV, and he’s so famous now because of it? Everyone gets their 15 minutes. We all talked about your boyfriend when he announced at drinks that he was promoted without a title change but with “new responsibilities,” remember? No one even asked if that meant he got a raise, because in this family of friends we believe each other. I request only the same level of respect when considering that the lie detector video does not once even make an attempt to display any sort of “result” from the “lie detector test” and instead relies only a graphic that says “TRUE” as its proof of evidence. That’s as much evidence as anyone needs!
Yeah, yeah, my boyfriend’s work is interesting — “We are constantly finding new planets and galaxies every day. Most of it is just nothing,” he said, about the stuff he does. “Sometimes you hit the jackpot and find intelligent life on it. You find new planets, new eco systems. There are a lot of planets more intelligent than humans.” Yeaaah, yeah. He’s out there finding a lot of planets more intelligent than humans. But, God, isn’t it nice to just not talk about work for a little while? Even if it’s out of deference to your boyfriend’s worse job, which is not finding a lot of planets more intelligent than humans?
Listen, yes, my boyfriend James Oliver is 100 percent definitely for sure from the year 6491 and we all know that for a fact from this lie detector test on a YouTube channel. But I don’t want it to ruin our friendship. He has met aliens, as he said, “several times,” but that’s just life. What is insanely cool and fucking mind-blowing for you and so hot you’re going to literally die is just my boyfriend’s “normal life.” We all have lives. And if we’re lucky, our lives all have love.
That’s what’s important.
P.S. He also said, “I would be very cautious about the Yellowstone volcano. As all of you know it’s overdue by about 600,000 years and an eruption that size would devastate the entire United States.”