A few days ago, Ariana Grande hopped on Twitter and revealed that her flash fiancé, Pete Davidson, was packing ten inches of organic hot-dog meat. (Yes, this tweet-reply has since been deleted, and may even be the work of Photoshop, but we at Cut HQ choose to believe Davidson’s got all that vitamin D.) In the following days, Pete Davidson’s dick was discussed at great length.
Whether you hear ten inches and think, “’sup Zaddy” or reflexively cross your legs to protect your cervix, when you take one look at Pete Davidson, there’s just something about that tall, gangly white guy that makes you think “Oh yeah, he’s definitely just two inches shy of a 7-Eleven foot-long.” That je ne sais quois, that “It” factor, has been given a name by Twitter: Big Dick Energy.
BDE is a quiet confidence and ease with oneself that comes from knowing you have an enormous penis and you know what to do with it. It’s not cockiness, it’s not a power trip — it’s the opposite: a healthy, satisfied, low-key way you feel yourself. Some may call this “oh he/she fucks” vibe, but that is different: you can fuck, but not have BDE. Some may call this “well-adjusted,” but we know the truth.
While some of us know what BDE is, intuitively — or can quickly recall the names of people we know who have it — it’s not as obvious to everyone. So here, a BDE FAQ, because Big Dick Energy is the best thing to happen to the internet this week.
How do you know if you or someone else has Big Dick Energy:
Well, there’s a certain gait — sort of like you’ve got a massive dick swinging around — but also a twinkle in the eye, like if you look right at that twinkle you can see a dick swinging in the eye. It’s that thing that makes people bogglingly attractive to others, like Pete Davidson. It also is reflected in the way others look at you. Like, you can see your own big dick swinging in their eye. Example, how Ariana looks at Pete “Big Dick” Davidson:
Do you have to have a Big Dick to have Big Dick Energy?
Lucky for many men I’ve met, but less lucky for me, no! You don’t really (though it is a common characteristic). What we’re talking about is really more of an aura, a vibe. There are men with Big Dicks, but who do not ooze BDE. There are men with average to little ones who can have so much BDE you’re surprised to find that their wang does not touch their knee.
As Emily Gould pointed out, sometimes the love of a partner can give you BDE. If your loved one loves you so much they see your six-incher as a ten-? You just walk a little taller.
What is the opposite of Big Dick Energy?
That’s either Little Dick Energy or Mediocre Dick Energy. Rather than confident, that person is cocky, petty, loud. I’d diagnose Trump with LDE, but I don’t even want to think about it.
Who has Big Dick Energy?
It is my opinion that you can swiftly and decisively decide who has Big Dick Energy and who does not. It’s not a multiple-choice question or some feat of reasoning. You either got it, or you don’t. I’d like to start with a control group I often use in horny male-centric celebrity conversations for comparison: the Hollywood Chrises, since they represent a decently different spread of man type, but are are basically all the same (white, blond) and have mainstream popularity. Which of the Hollywood Chrises has BDE? The official answers:
Pine: Yes, but it’s fragile.
Now that we have a control group to compare others against, here is a brief and unofficial survey of some other people that emanate BDE. Crucially, you’ll see, you don’t have to be a man to have it.
Trevante Rhodes: BDE.
Cate Blanchett: BDE for days.
Justin Bieber: BDE.
Justin Timberlake: Nah.
Justin Theroux: BDE.
Justin Bobby: BDE.
Jon Hamm: Nah.
Paul Giamatti: BDE, don’t @ me.
Idris Elba: Biggest Dick Energy.
Bobby Cannavale: Oooooozes BDE.
Martha Stewart: BDE.
Bruce Springsteen: BDE.
Glen Powell: BDE.
Steve Yeun: Bathe me in his BDE.
Ryan Gosling: Nah. He has Shy Dick Energy
Shawn Mendes: Nah.
Charlie Puth: Yah.
Harry Styles: Sings about masturbation like it’s NBD, BDE.
Zayn: Sings about sex like it’s this thing he just heard about on a Jodeci song. Nah.
Backstreet Boys: Nope.
’N Sync: Yup.
Noel: Big Dick Energy, also, lucky Felicity.
All the Women on Living Single: BDE.
Zach Woods: Clearly, BDE.
Frank Ocean: The BDE platonic ideal, in my opinion.
Timothée Chalamet: BDE. It’s how he can pull off that haircut.
Jonathan Franzen: Nah. Birds.
Rihanna: Overflowing with BDE. Hope you have a Teflon cervix.
Is this an HR-approved way to discuss people?
I say absolutely! I find this is a very helpful categorization, and perhaps should be asked in job interviews. It’s almost more helpful than a horoscope. It’s also an incredible game. Pick a category and identify who has BDE: The cast of This Is Us, for example. (Sterling K. Brown: yes; Mandy Moore: Yes.) Literary figures. (Atticus Finch: the rare HUGE Dick Energy.) You can ID it in people at bars, on the subway, in your office, and, most importantly, yourself.