The Burning Man Guy Episode of Queer Eye Did Not Make Me Cry — at All!

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In Parenthood’s absence and between seasons of This Is Us, the Netflix reboot of Queer Eye has taken center stage as the show to watch when you are desperate for a sob, both for reasons related to what is happening on-screen (humans becoming more fully realized humans and handsomer as a result, with more storage compartments in their living room and a newly acquired dip-making skill) and reasons that are private, thank you. From what I can remember, the first season delivered an opportunity to cry in almost every episode, perhaps save for the Trump supporter one and the fireman one. (Did you know the hot firefighter in that episode is real and actually works there?) (I thought he might be a plant, but I found his Facebook.) (I’m fine, haha.)

Because of this, I was disappointed by watching the fourth episode of the series’ new second season: “The Handyman Can.” I have a number of issues with this episode, and they amount to a single overarching problem: The episode did not even come close to making me cry even for a single second. I will lay out the issues now.

1. The Burner Guy Was Too Hot

A common Queer Eye trick is to take guys who are basically already decent looking, give them a haircut, and put them in a new shirt. This makes them “hot,” which, for men, means “somewhat groomed.” But for this carpenter guy, Jason, I could not suspend my ability to see he was already very hot right from the beginning. The Fab Five barely even did anything for the transformation, and the little they did made him even hotter (trim his beard and give him one hair product). This man was simply too hot. Plus, he is 48 and has been going to Burning Man for over ten years. Do you think this man has ever used sunscreen or moisturizer? I do not. Why do men get to be hot forever even though they have been going to Burning Man for ten years? It’s rude.

2. He Wanted to Move to Reno to “Be Closer to Burning Man”

Usually Queer Eye participants have issues that center on acceptance of self and/or acceptance of others, which makes for satisfying emotional crescendos. This man just wanted to move to Reno to be closer to a once-a-year desert fire carnival. Not even during my most emotionally vulnerable days, which are not infrequent, would I be moved to tears by this journey. The guys just had to convince him that, uh, wouldn’t it be better to just stay where you have, like, work and friends and a house, and then just go to Burning Man when it happens? What if we made your house better, would you stay then? What if we trimmed your beard? What if you dated this chick who is clearly in love with you? Speaking of —

3. What Is With Beth?

Beth nominated Jason and, with all due respect to Beth, she was clearly in love with Jason. By the end — and this is a spoiler, but you’ve already read this far and it’s your own fault for clicking — he decides to not move to Reno and they begin dating. Why were they not already dating? Why was he going to move to Reno instead of fall in love with Beth? I think maybe she should have moved on. She seemed nice. Don’t wait around forever for your Burning Man friend to not move to Reno and fall in love with you instead, that’s my advice.

4. All of His Stuff Was Already Good

His house was full of cool furniture that Bobby just dusted off and put somewhere not under trash; he had Magnum condoms; and his clothes were fine, Tan basically just got a bunch of them tailored. It was somewhat satisfying to see the group arrange his almost-good life into a good life, and certainly Jason seemed nice (Beth liked him, at least), but also I’m not crying about it. I’m not gonna cry just because Jason made a neon sign, you know. But good for him for making the neon sign.

5. Too Much Burning Man in General

Enough!

Otherwise, of course, much love to Queer Eye. It’s very good. I love you, Queer Eye! More Queer Eyes, please! Thank you!

The Burning Man Episode of Queer Eye Did NOT Make Me Cry