Trump Staffers Can’t Get Laid

Photo: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Tough news out of Washington this morning: Apparently no one wants to hook up with any of the young, horny singles of the Trump White House.

According to a new report from Politico, White House staffers have had a hard time adjusting to life in the capital because it’s hard finding people who aren’t wildly turned off by the Trump administration’s policies. One 31-year-old woman told Politico she got in “very, very frequent” scraps with her matches on dating apps when they find out she works for Trump, with one match asking her in all-caps, “HOW COULD YOU BE SUCH A RACIST AND A BIGOT?” and another, presumably recent match, wondering, “Do you rip babies from their mothers and then send them to Mexico?”

One former staffer said he has “been able to hook up with women,” (ooh la la) but admitted he held off on telling them about his White House ties for as long as possible:

“I know that I need to be careful about broaching the Trump stuff. I just know that going in, I need to be able to get it out at the right time and not get it out too early to the point where it’s like, ‘Hey, I worked for Trump, you should stop talking to me,’ but late enough in that eventually they know that there is this information floating out there that I worked for this guy and hopefully you have now seen that I’m not a horrible person and we can go further with this.”

“Thank God I’ve had a girlfriend of three years,” a former Trump aide humble-bragged, “because the last person I would want to be is a single Trump supporter dating in D.C. right now.”

Wow. That sounds tough. Almost as bad as being an immigrant kid ripped from their family. Maybe they haven’t heard of Trump Singles yet?

Trump Staffers Can’t Get Laid