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Drunk Lads Keep Trying to Have Sex With This Man’s Beautiful Topiary

Hot or not?

Imagine you’re walking home from the pub one night, somewhere between buzzed and totally loaded, when you glimpse a beautiful woman reclined outside a house, wearing only a strand of pearls around her finely carved, leafy neck. Her arm is crooked languorously behind her head, and her shapeless face stares invitingly out at you. Upon closer inspection, you realize she is, in fact, not a woman at all, but a hedge. Do you still hump her?

According to Keith Tysson, the creator of this particularly bewitching topiary, the answer for many is “Yes.” Tysson told the BBC that he has had to make “regular repairs” to his “privet lady” — whom he has been sculpting for the past 40 years (originally the hedge was carved as a Greek god, but in 2000 he changed it to a woman) — because drunk people keep trying to have sex with her at night.

“They’re climbing on top of her and pulling her legs apart — you know, it’s disgusting,” he said to the BBC, adding that one night, “I just peered out at about 4:30 in the morning and there was a guy on top of her and going through the motions of having sex with her.”

Tysson also said it’s not just men who become ensnared by the hedge’s wiles, but women too.

“I don’t want them to behave like that with my privet lady.”

Drunk Lads Keep Trying to Hump This Man’s Beautiful Topiary