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Did a Malevolent Witch Make Duchess Camilla’s Birthday Cake?

Duchess Camilla and Prince Charles.

I’ve got questions for the person who designed (one of) Duchess Camilla’s 71st birthday cakes during her royal tour of Cornwall this summer. I’m talking about the carrot cake, which is unpleasant to look at but I’m sure tasted great. There are several things that alarm me about it, but I’ll start with the most striking detail: The dried strips of carrot that extend past the top like bony orange fingers.

Why did you do this, baker? Was it so that everyone would know it was a carrot cake? Did you have extra carrots lying around that you didn’t want to go to waste?

Beyond the carrot phalanxes, there’s also the message scrawled across in brown icing, which is not so much the baker’s fault as it is the fault of the royal family: The cake reads “Happy Birthday Ma’am,” which is possibly the least affectionate salutation I could imagine. But according to the royal website, that is the proper way to address Duchess Camilla.

Finally, there’s the matter of the nuts and roses smattered around, which completed the overall cursed-forest vibe of the confection. The cake would not make it past the first round of The Great British Baking Show, but I salute whichever enterprising forest witch decided to go wild with the walnuts.

Which Malevolent Witch Designed Duchess Camilla’s Cake