the seasons

Go to the Beach

Photo: Ante Badzim/Getty Images/EyeEm Premium

I’m sorry to say we’re in the final third of July. Summer is racing by, pushing us toward August and death, all while we attempt breathing exercises in front of our various anxiety-inducing devices. Damn. It’s a pity. There’s nothing we can do about it, though.

… Or is there?

No, there isn’t.

— Or is there?


That is why we should go to the beach, either now or soon.

This unfortunate speed is typical for summer, obviously, though I don’t think summer is as special in this aspect as some may consider it. All time races by way too fast at this point, save for the month of March. March is the worst and longest-seeming month because it is a liar. February is at least honest: bitterly cold, snowy. (That’s depending on where you live, of course, but I’m willing to bet February is honest everywhere; it’s a very honest month [my birth month].) March offers the idea of relief and delivers only a muddier winter. I’m sure there is some joy to be found in March, however at this point I have to say: March sucks, and fuck it.

Anyway, we’re in the final third of July. Soon it will be the final third of August, and then it will be the first third of eternal punishment. C’est la mort. This is why I must implore you to go to the beach either right now or soon.

The beach: peaceful, disgusting, wet, sandy, soothing, warm; a summer treat. Entire summers can be spent thinking, “Next weekend I will go to the beach.” Our lives can pass by thinking, “I should have planned a beach trip for today.” In the gnarled piss pits of hell we will wonder, “Why didn’t I just go to the beach?” I implore you to make sure you go to the beach, ideally more than once.

“But what if I don’t like the beach? Hm. Are you sure you don’t? I thought I didn’t like the beach until I realized I did. Maybe give it another try. If you’re sure you don’t, then I guess this isn’t for you. Not everything can be for everyone, I’m sorry. Maybe instead you can go to a park. “But what if I don’t live near a beach? Hm. I’m not sure about this one. Are you sure you don’t? If so, maybe you can have an indoor beach day — get in a bathing suit, put on a little sunscreen, lay towels on the floor, blend some frozen drinks, put on a fan but not air conditioning, spray yourself with a mister, bring up a beach YouTube like this one:

It can be nice to have an indoor beach day, too. I’ve done it. If an indoor beach day is not necessary, though, I do think you should just go to the real beach. Tell your boss you’re sick one day next week, maybe; I won’t tell on you. People get sick. It happens, and no one can say it isn’t happening to you on the nicest day next week.

In conclusion, go to the beach.

Go to the Beach, Because Summer Is Ending Soon