Totally Soaked: a week dedicated to summer horniness.
Yes, it’s important to have a well-curated sex playlist to set the mood, sustain the mood and get the mood to climax (hopefully more than once). Crafting one requires thought and nuance and time and effort — and they can be extremely useful in the context of a long-awaited prearranged dick appointment. But sometimes, we do not have time to get through an entire set of tracks. Sometimes we just need a baldly horny fuck-track that says, plainly and immediately: I would like to have sex right now. Sometimes, we have sex emergencies. And that my friends, is when you need the horny song.
The horny song is direct — though it doesn’t lack poetry or creativity; in fact, the number of double entendres in a horny bop makes it clear the genre excels at both. It is typically a song about genitals, and what one party will do to another’s genitals, or what one party would like done to their genitals, and where and for how long (all night in a five-star hotel, for a whole week on a beach in Sardinia, right now real quick in the bathroom.) Some examples: “Oops, Oh My” by Tweet, “Motivation” by Kelly Rowland, and “2 Become 1” by the Spice Girls.
Every summer, in addition to the traditional Song of Summer, there emerges a song so sexy, so explicit, so dirty that it becomes the jam that makes everybody want to stop what they’re doing and hump with abandon. For the Cut’s Totally Soaked week, I have taken it upon myself to figure out the horniest song of this summer. You are welcome.
This summer has some strong contenders: Ariana Grande’s “God Is a Woman,” Janelle Monae’s “Make Me Feel,” “Bloom” by Troye Sivan, “3Way” by Teyana Taylor. I’m sure there is a horny country song out there, but I haven’t been put on to it yet. But while the competition is stiff, my top pick for Horniest Song of Summer is “Inside” by Jacquees.
For those who do not know Jacquees, he is a 24-year-old R&B singer from Decatur, Georgia. Most importantly, he is a horny king. The man only stands five-foot-five, but my God, does he exude ready-to-fuck from the top of his head to the ends of his beautiful locs. (And, he loves his mom! It seems important to note!) He is one of the last few R&B singers to fully embrace an earnest desire to have sex, all the sex, give pleasure in a respectful, consenting, adoring way. He has a proven track record of writing sensual R&B anthems without seeming creepy, overly aggressive, or like he’s never actually had sex — just that he thinks about sex like 95 percent of the time. It requires a certain amount of confidence to be so shameless about how much you want to get laid, and Jacquees doesn’t shy away from it. When he sings, it just sounds like sex moans. His lyrics are sex-ed. Case in point: His song B.E.D, in which he sings spells out the word “bed” over a beat that includes bedsprings creaking and talks about wanting to fuck people there. It’s brilliant, simple, breathtaking.
On “Inside,” from his latest album, 4275, Jacquees absolutely outdoes himself with his horniest song yet. This song is Jacquees at his most vulnerable — asking if he can be “inside you,” both in the intellectual sense (“let me inside your mind”) but also in the vaginal sense. He earnestly promises: oral sex, great sex, sex better than any other sex you’ve had, in dulcet tones.
Why, sure! Sounds like lots of other horny songs, but he takes it to the next level, reaching a summit few singers could even dream: He enlists R&B singer Trey Songz, a prince of pelvic thrusts, a baron of freaky wordplay, to back him — creating a supernova of horny singers. The beat of the song is like a fuck metronome — the perfect body roll/grind-a-dick-to-dust rhythm. He says “pussy” no less than 16 times over the course of four minutes and sings this verse, which is “chef’s kiss” perfect:
Licky, licky, la-la, I’m going down there
Got my face in sticky places, go to town, yeah
Got my head between your legs, you wrap around that
And when I reach your pretty peach, I’ll never drown there
No matter who you are, how you identify, who you want to fuck, with what and where and when, I hope ‘“Inside” just got you totally soaked. Happy Friday!