Totally Soaked: a week dedicated to summer horniness.
Historical dramas, or period pieces, are some of the horniest films on Netflix. Specifically, historical dramas set before women were allowed to be horny. After watching Marie Antoinette gaze longingly at a sexy Swedish count over candlelight, for example, or John Keats read a poem about his lover’s “ripening breast,” mere seconds of hand-holding can provide more of a climax than most R-rated romances. In my horny opinion, at least.
These movies often follow a similar plot: Beautiful (white, rich) young woman is trapped in a boring marriage. Man (oftentimes a soldier with a “big sword”) comes along and shows her that sex can actually be enjoyable and not just about producing an heir. And finally, woman loses her wig (and sometimes her life) going after that good, old-fashioned BDE.
For your viewing pleasure we’ve ranked the seven best historical dramas on Netflix, from least to most horny. Enjoy, m’ladies.
Marie Antoinette (2006)
Horny Female Lead: Kirsten Dunst
Lover: Jamie Dornan
You probably know Marie Antoinette as the petty queen who told France to “eat cake” (a line that could have been very horny, had it been said in another context). Sofia Coppola’s film is certainly cake-colored, but unfortunately it involves more eclairs than copulating. King Louis XVI, played by Jason Schwartzman, wears a dorky-looking nightcap to bed, and intercourse is explained to him in the same terms as “key making,” since his hobby is locksmithing. So, you can understand why the queen (Kirsten Dunst) goes for a sexy Swedish count (Jamie Dornan of 50 Shades of Grey) instead. But their scenes together are more stylish than horny.
Horny Ranking: Seventh place.
Tulip Fever (2017)
Horny Female Lead: Alicia Vikander
Lover: Dane DeHaan
Unfortunately, the plot of trading rare tulips like Bitcoins is not very horny. However, there are two steamy scenes between Alicia Vikander and Dane DeHaan, who plays a 17th-century painter hired by Vikander’s husband (Christoph Waltz). Other than that, this movie has a lot of heavy breathing on Vikander’s part and intense stares from DeHaan. Plus some naked sketching. And Cara Delevingne.
Horny Ranking: Sixth place.
Madame Bovary (2014)
Horny Female Lead: Mia Wasikowska
Lover: More than one.
Not to give too much away, but Madame Bovary is the 19th-century equivalent of a woman who falls for one too many “fuccbois,” only to becometh one herself. Things look pretty okay for Emma Bovary (Mia Wasikowska) when we see that her marriage has been arranged with a handsome doctor. But alas, he is no fun in the bedroom and describes sex in clinical terms. Her first extramarital flirtation is with a man described as “the last romantic left in all of France,” which translates to a young man with severe sideburns who talks about Paris like he studied there for a semester and started a blog about it. She turns him down — and later falls for someone way hotter and more rich.
Horny Ranking: Fifth place.
Miss Julie (2014)
Horny Female Lead: Jessica Chastain
Lover: Colin Farrell
This movie is so horny, it’s insane! No really, it’s nuts. Based on the play written in 1888, Miss Julie takes place in only a few rooms in a Swedish manor, creating extreme tension between three characters — all of whom have the hots for one another, and are stuck together in the house where they live. The power dynamics between Jessica Chastain and Colin Farrell, who plays her father’s valet, are far too loaded to make this movie satisfying. But because Miss Julie centers almost entirely around being horny, we’re giving it a high ranking.
Horny Ranking: Fourth place.
Anna Karenina (2012)
Horny Female Lead: Keira Knightley
Lover: Aaron Taylor-Johnson
Everyone in this movie is horny, not just the female lead. The only reason Anna Karenina (Keira Knightley) becomes unfaithful to her husband (Jude Law) in the first place is because she meets the son of an unfaithful woman while taking a train to visit her own unfaithful brother. (Apparently, Moscow’s hottest trend was adultery.) This version of Tolstoy’s novel is directed as a play within a movie, so the horniness is heightened to absurd theatrical levels. But Karenina’s lover, Count Vronsky (the guy from the train), has eyes so blue, they could run you over like a speeding train. Oh! Trains are also horny. Nice.
Horny Ranking: Third place.
The Duchess (2008)
Horny Female Lead: Keira Knightley
Lover: Dominic Cooper
It was a tough call deciding between these two horny Keira Knightley historical dramas. The Duchess gets more points for being an objectively better movie, and for showing women teaching other women what an orgasm feels like. Trapped in a bad marriage, the duchess goes cuckoo for the future prime minister, Charles Gray (Dominic Cooper), and his sexy politics. In the end she must choose between him and her children, which is serious enough to kill any vibe.
Horny Ranking: Second place.
Bright Star (2009)
Horny Female Lead: Abbie Cornish
Lover: Ben Whishaw
The great news about this horny movie is that it’s actually good! Ironically, its characters are the most chaste, but they’ve got so much chemistry together, you feel it even when they’re separated by a wall. The dreamy-but-poor poet John Keats (Ben Whishaw) falls for Fanny Brawne (Abbie Cornish), a headstrong clothing designer who loves big hats and ruffle collars. They write romantic letters to each other while kept apart by work, family, and health complications. So, if you’re horny for fashion, the English language, and Ben Whishaw, this movie will make you weep.
Horny Ranking: First place.