totally soaked

It’s Time to Admit Water Sex Sucks

Photo-Illustration: Jenny Sharaf/Katie Arkell/Gamma-Rapho via Getty Images

Totally Soaked: a week dedicated to summer horniness.

Water sex always sounds exciting in theory. Ooh la la, we’re not in a bed. Wowee wowee, we’re in skimpy swimsuits-slash-nothing. Ah-OO-ga, we’re all slippery. [Air horn] Maybe we’re in a public space where we can indulge in our exhibitionist fantasies without getting caught because everything under the surface is kind of blurry!

But then, there’s actually Doing It.

Water sex, along with candlelit (fire hazard) and car (cramped), is one of the most highly overrated forms of human copulation. Sure, there’s the thrill of being mostly naked in a place not generally meant for humping, but the logistics are never worth the potential infections and underwhelming sensations.

That’s the worst thing about water sex: Even if the rest of you is wet, your sex parts aren’t, because water washes away your natural lubrication. What! I don’t know if there’s a God, or some other Creator, but anything that would incorporate such an obvious design flaw into their horny little earth dolls is extremely rude.

Yes, technically lube works underwater. Board-certified OB/GYN Antonio Pizarro told Self that “silicone would be your best bet” because “oil-based lubes can damage condoms, and water-based ones can wash away too quickly”. Water sex is generally a spur-of-the moment decision, though, and for better or for worse, we don’t live in a society where it’s common to carry around big tubes of water-friendly lubricants.

Still not convinced? Let’s break it down.

Shower Sex

Movies and TV shows make shower sex look so hot. One person walks into the bathroom, notices someone else slowly and seductively shampooing their hair, and, with a wry smile, peels off all their clothes and climbs in. Then it’s all suggestive shadows and Titanic-style hand-slides and close ups of water streaming over unidentified curves.

In real life though, shower sex is a constant, messy fight for survival. You’re desperately trying to gain a solid foothold on various slick surfaces while also attempting to angle yourself so the shower head doesn’t blast gallons of hot water directly into your airways, and you’re Tetris-ing your bodies so your various bits line up correctly. It’s simply too stressful.

Even if you have one of those nice, spacious stone showers — one of the ones with good traction and a little seat carved out so you can rest — nobody looks sexy in the shower. If you’ve worn mascara at any point in the past five years, it will immediately appear in thick dark smears around your eyelids, and the water will slick down your hair so you end up looking like that girl from The Ring when she crawls out of the well where she drowned. Which is probably a turn-on for some people, but not everyone.

Ocean/River/Lake Sex

Oceans are nature’s death baths. They’re full of sharks and rip currents and trash. Rivers are full of snapping turtles, piranhas, and kayakers. Lakes are chill.

Even if you survive in the water long enough to get in the mood, there’s all the bacteria and germs that live in there. According to Self, the threat of contracting “some random water-borne infection or disease” after sexing in a natural body of water is “basically negligible”, which is somewhat comforting I guess, but I still would prefer to not have a mixture of mud, algae, and fish pee pushed up into my guts.

Also, the one time I had sex in the ocean it lasted for about 45 seconds before I got distracted by the rhythmic splish, splash sounds of our humping, and started laughing so hard I slipped under the surface and choked, which was both unsexy and dangerous. The relationship did not progress much further after that. Maybe that won’t happen to you, but maybe it will, you never know.

Pool Sex

Remember that pool scene in Showgirls? Come on.

Hot Tub Sex

Sure, you could have sex in a hot tub. They’re warm, and most of them have built-in seats for leverage. Or, you could grab a big handful of medical waste and rub it directly on your exposed pee-hole instead.

So let’s just accept that water sex blows. There are so many other, better, more sanitary and pleasurable ways to spice things up. You could incorporate toys, or do it in a sex swing, or in the restrooms at Union Pool. Or, better yet, in a bed.

It’s Time to Admit Water Sex Sucks