At some point, we look back and realize that we are not the person we once were. Sometimes, the change happens incrementally, the result of a million tiny, seemingly inconsequential decisions that microscopically shift the course of our existence. And sometimes it happens all at once, scrambling and frying up our DNA like eggs until we are practically unrecognizable to ourselves and our loved ones. That is what happened to me this afternoon, when I listened to this extremely sexy cow song.
The video, “MOo.” by Doja Cat features the 22-year-old singer and rapper in a sexy cow outfit, and a sexy farmer outfit, eating burgers and fries and drinking milkshakes and saying, “Bitch I’m a cow” and “Moo moo moo moo mooo.” And if you were wondering, because of her name, whether she’s a cat, she’s not. She clearly says, “I am not a cat,” and “I don’t say meow.” Also in the background there are big bouncing cartoon boobs which are more cow-like than cat-like, I guess. She also says:
Got milk, bitch? Got beef? Got steak, ho? Got cheese? Grade-A ho, not lean.
You a calf bitch, you my daughter. I ain’t bothered, get slaughtered. Got the methane, I’m a farter.
Get slaughtered! I’m a farter! Then she changes the lyrics of other popular songs to reflect that she is, in fact, a cow.
I ain’t a moose, bitch. Get out my hay, get out my hay, bitch get out my hay.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the farm.
The lyrics alone really don’t do it justice though, you have to watch it.
The video quickly morphed into a meme, and I get it. Prior to watching it, my brain was comprised mostly of to-do lists, embarrassing childhood flashbacks, mental images of my dog, and snack ideas. Now, the only thing in my skull is this song, and the knowledge that all I want from this life is to be a cow, and that I don’t want to be a cat, or a moose, and I want to be a farter. Cattle are my religion, and Doja Cat is my high priestess. This knowledge centers me. I am not who I once was.
Bitch I’m a cow.