31 Signs You Have a Partner

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• You love each other.

• You live together.

• You share bills.

• You share a pet.

• You don’t make long-term decisions without first consulting each other.

• You don’t start a new Netflix show without first consulting each other.

• The spark might be gone, but in its place is a sort of warm, quiet comfort.

• Sometimes sex is exciting, sometimes it’s just something to do.

• You fart in front of each other.

• You support each other’s professional and personal endeavors.

• You pick at each other’s backs.

• You’ve been on multiple road trips together.

• Sometimes, on these long road trips, you drive. Maybe it’s late, because both you and your partner agreed to leave after work on Wednesday and to drive through the night in order to get their family’s house for Thanksgiving on time.

• Your partner is asleep in the passenger seat and snoring (they always insist they don’t snore, but they sound like a wood chipper) and you’re listening to an old episode of Fresh Air. Terry Gross’s laugh is so relaxing …

• You hear a huge THUNK and the car veers wildly and your partner screams, “What the hell was that?!”

• You both look behind you and see the lump in the middle of the road, and your partner asks, “What happened?” and you say, “It must have been a deer.”

• But when you both get out for a closer look, you see the bent cardboard sign for “Sacramento,” and the splayed limbs, and the blood.

• You both start screaming. Your partner starts crying.

• You say, “We have to get rid of it.”

• Your partner says, “Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you? We have to call the cops.”

• You say, “We can’t call the cops. I’ll go to jail.”

• And your partner says, “No, you won’t, it’s not like you’ve done this before,” and you don’t say anything, and they say, “Right? RIGHT?” and then they start crying more.

• Finally, they agree to help, and you drag the body off into the woods.

• “We should probably burn it,” you say.

• “Who are you …” your partner whispers.

• You finish driving to Thanksgiving. When you pull into the driveway, your partner gets out and slams the door behind them. You wonder briefly whether they’ll tell their family, but when you go in, their mother gives you a big hug and congratulates you on your promotion.

• You look past her to the kitchen and see your partner downing vodka. It’s 10 a.m.

• That night, after all the food is put away and everyone has gone to sleep, you and your partner make love in their childhood bedroom. The sex is better than it has been in a long time.

• Afterward, they take your face in their hands and say, “I love you. No matter what.”

• “No matter what,” you say.

• You share an Amazon Prime account!

31 Signs You Have a Partner