Last night’s episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians was the first full episode of the season that will mean almost nothing to us when we look back on the history of the Kardashians. Adding not a stitch of context to the fabric of the Kardashian’s lives, we were treated to a romp around Calabasas that offered a few fun times, but a lot of dead air.
Our A plot was Kim Kardashian’s love of death and makeup; our B plot was Khloé’s weight; and our C plot (which will not be covered here because I’m holding a written protest) was Scott’s partying. #LEGGO
In Khloé’s backyard (which is bigger than most public parks), Khloé, Kourtney, and Kim try out casual conversation in an effort to repair their damaged relationship. Kim, today’s moderator, starts by bringing up Chrissy Teigen’s birthday party, to which neither Kourtney nor Khloé seem to have received invites. Kim says that Chrissy, who is currently pregnant, isn’t quite happy being sober — she’s bored and wishes she could have a drink. Khloé totally relates, and firmly states that drinking adds value to life. Kourtney, unfortunately, disagrees with her sister and says that she’s basically been living a sober lifestyle and prefers it. Kourtney hates that drinking makes you forget things, and she feels alcohol makes sex less enjoyable. That sets Khloé off: She’s a proud participate in drunken sex and prefers it to its sober sister.
After this conversation, Kim brings up yet another topic. This time, it’s death. Having been to an open-casket funeral recently, Kim was disappointed to see that the deceased didn’t look nearly as pretty dead as they did alive. Kourtney, distancing herself further from her family with every word she speaks, asks Kim if she was really more concerned with the glam on a dead person than the fact that they were dead. Kim says she’s not, and explains that she just hates seeing people not look like themselves, especially on such an important occasion. Khloé backs Kim up: She thinks dead people should go out looking beautiful and putting their family and friends’ minds at ease. This gets Khloé to wondering what happens to the extensions on a dead person if they die with a full weave. At this point, Kourtney decides to tap out of the conversation because it’s making her really “uncomfortable.” This scene was filmed on November 30, 2017.
Scene 5/Scene 6:
In Khloés garage, Khloé hosts Kim and her personal trainer Fit Gurl Mel. Under Fit Gurl Mel’s guidance, the sisters complete a series of calisthenics. While doing jumping jacks, Kim notices her sister’s pregnant belly popping out for the first time — and though Khloé feels offended, Kim calls it “cute.” While working out, Khloé makes it clear that her doctor has okayed her consistent workouts; she goes at her own pace and works out on days she feels like it and abstains when she doesn’t.
Post–gym sesh, Khloé and Kim kick back in Khloé’s living room. As they lay lounging, Kim asks Khloé how much weight she’s gained since she’s hit the five month, or 20-week, mark. When Khloé says she’s only gained 11 pounds, Kim is confused, and slightly jealous. She tells Khloé that during her pregnancy (she doesn’t specify which) she’d already gained 30 of the 70 total pounds she gained during her entire pregnancy. Khloé explains that since both she and Tristan are “big,” her doctor wants to limit her weight gain — because if Khloé and her fetus gain too much weight then she might have to have a C-section. This warning, combined with Khloé’s previous weight struggles, has her feeling anxious, especially since she recently gained two pounds in two days. But Kim calls it normal and tells Khloé not to worry. This scene was filmed on November 13, 2017.
It seems that KUWTK’s crew is stuck at Khloé’s home, because they’re there, yet again. This time, we’re invited into her kitchen, where Kris and Scott are. And in exclusive footage of their audition tape for a reboot of The Chew, Kris is working with Scott to make Khloé a very heavy pasta dish called “sausage and peppers.” While helping, Scott somehow sets a pot of boiling water on fire and is subsequently taken off cooking duty.
Kris is making her pregnant daughter a massive meal because she’s of the “old school” mentality and thinks Khloé should eat as much and as often as possible. And since Khloé says she has no cravings, Kris has no choice but to prepare anything that’s fattening. Once Kris is done making the pasta dish, she insists that the majority of the buffet-size bowl should be for Khloé. Khloé eats a little bit of what her mom prepared, and tries to tell Kris that she can’t eat all of these carbs or so much food at once. This scene was filmed on November 14, 2017.
Well, we’re back at Khloé’s home. This time, one of Khloé’s closets is featured. Kim is also there, and she’s brought some reading material — a book on dead people. It’s supposed to show how morticians make up the deceased to look their best before their final good-bye, including how to put blush on a dead child and also how to piece together a head that’s been blown off. Kim’s absolutely fascinated, while Khloé wishes she’d take her little book elsewhere so she can fold her clothes in non-morbid peace. But as Khloé folds, Kim gets more and more taken by her picture book, even going so far as to call her makeup artist and fellow death fan, Mario Dedivanovic. Kim explains the book to Mario, and he immediately asks her to send photos so that he can order a copy for himself. This scene was filmed on December 5, 2017.
By the blessed grace of God, I can happily say that we’ve made it to a new location: Kris Jenner’s bedroom. While Kris is in the shower, mortician-in-training Kim Kardashian prepares a wide variety of makeup on Kris’s bed, causing Kris’s immediate confusion upon her re-entry. Kim explains that she’s testing out a potential new career, doing makeup for the deceased, and she’d like to use Kris as a test model. Kim makes it clear that she doesn’t consider her mom to be a substitute for a dead person, but she really needs to learn how to do makeup on someone other than herself. Kris then … agrees to participate.
Kim has Kris lie face up on a massage table, and asks her mom to appear dead. No talking or moving is allowed. Once Kris is lying down and covered by a sheet, Kim asks her mother what “look” she’s into nowadays and how she’d like to “go out.” (Kim clarifies that she’s not asking her mom how she’d like to “go out” to the store but how she’d like to “go out” in the world.) Kris doesn’t take long to think. She’d like clear skin and a nude lip.
Kim works diligently, and when it seems like Kris is really playing into the game, she screams in Kim’s face and genuinely scares her. I have to say, Kim saying she thought she was gonna pee on herself was the highlight of my week (yes, it’s only Monday so I’m sure that will change, but who cares). This scene was filmed on November 15, 2017. Given Kim’s fading blonde hair, dark roots, and cream nails, the look looks like the best aftermath of November 14, and her nails will make sense to you all soon!
Back at Khloé’s, Kris Jenner comes bearing Krispy Kreme donuts, eight dozen of them. Khloé is confused and slightly spooked by her mom’s excitement, but not entirely surprised. After having Khloé smell the donuts she brought, Kris tells Khloé that she thinks she looked the best after her fourth child. Khloé then tries to make it clear to Kris that she is in no way depriving herself of food or sweets. If she wants something, she has it — she’s just following her doctor’s orders. Kris still isn’t satisfied, but gives her mission a small rest. This scene as filmed on November 14, 2017, like Scene 7.
After working on the still-living Kris Jenner, Kim takes her talents to the undead. Along with still-her-makeup-artist Mario Dedivanovic, Kim goes to a mortuary for an informational meeting, during which Kim and Mario get a quick lesson on embalming and keeping a dead person’s eyes closed (using a contact that basically glues the eyelid and eyeball together) from mortician Amber Carvaly. Sufficiently shocked with what they’ve heard and seen, Kim and Mario are given a pair of scrubs each, and told they will now be doing makeup on a “person.” When asked if the person is dead or alive, Amber tells them to wait and see.
Scrubbed in, Kim and Mario exit the bathroom and inch toward a room with a body. As Amber opens the door, Kim and Mario peek in. They see an elderly woman lying on a table in a winter coat. Her skin is ashen, and just as Kim and Mario think about turning around, Kim notices that the woman is breathing. Still hesitant, she and Mario tiptoe in, and Kim quietly thanks the woman for being there and notices that they’re wearing the same nail polish. More comfortable, Mario takes the lead and puts some KKW highlighter on the fake deceased as Kim looks on. Ahh, nothing like a contour palette to make grandma look alive! This scene was filmed on November 17, 2017.
Tired of her mom’s unwanted advice, Khloé brings Kris to a doctor’s appointment. It’s the very first appointment of the day, so early that the sun’s not even up and the doctor’s not even there. As they wait, Kris mentions how great Khloé is at giving massages and that she should look into going to masseuse school as a backup plan, in case she ever falls on hard times. Khloé tells Kris she’ll be fine, but obliges when Kris asks her to put her hands to good use as they wait.
Once Dr. A arrives, she has Khloé immediately slip to her bra and leggings for a weigh-in. Khloé’s anxious, but at 20 weeks (halfway to a 40-week pregnancy), she’s still gained only 13 pounds. Her doctor is happy, but Kris is a bit confused. Though she’s saying she just wants Khloé to be healthy, it’s hard for her to separate her own experiences from those of her kids. Dr. A reminds Khloé that a 25 to 35 pound weight gain would be best for her pregnancy and improve her chances for a vaginal delivery. We know that this scene was filmed on November 13, 2017, because of Khloé’s pink nails, which she had in Scenes 5 and 6, her 20-week marker, and her two-pound weight gain (up from the 11 she told Kim she had previously gained in Scenes 5 & 6 — the two pounds she mentioned then would take her to 13 pounds).
That’s it for tonight, Dolls! Come back next week for another #KUWTKE recap of Keeping Up with WHERE’S KYLIE!?