sex diaries

The Woman Worried She’s Falling Out of Love

Photo-Illustration: James Gallagher

New York’s Sex Diaries series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. This week, a hotel executive who’s starting to wonder about her future and her girlfriend: 37, bisexual, in a relationship, Cobble Hill.


8:10 a.m. It’s my 37th birthday. I told my girlfriend, Leah, not to get me anything, let’s see if she does …

8:30 a.m. Someone was up early: There are sunflowers on the table and a few chocolate croissants. That’s sweet of her. But I wonder if it’s all she’s doing? We’ve been together a year. Classic lesbians — met, fell in love, moved in after four months. So far, so good. We have sex a lot less than the beginning of things, though that seems to bother only me.

9 a.m. Kiss Leah good-bye and run out the door. I’m already running late to work — I’m head of marketing for a big hotel chain — and I’m sure the trains won’t do me any favors.

11:30 a.m. My assistant has a little cupcake party for me. What a sweetie! She’s beautiful, but I’m not attracted to her. I am, however, attracted to the CEO of my company, a married man who is 50. Let’s call him Reggie.

6 p.m. I’m on the subway home from work — Leah asked where I wanted to eat dinner and I said Prime Meats.

7 p.m. Leah’s already there, sitting waiting for me. Sometimes I see her and feel very unattracted to her. Like — this is me being brutally honest — sometimes I think, who’d want to go to bed with that? She is very pretty. But she’s very masculine, and lately she’s put on weight. I became interested in going out with women because ever since high school, I was sexually attracted to pretty girls. I’ll cop to that. When I met Leah she was like a “hot jock” and a lot more experienced than me. It was very straight-girl-fantasy-porn-like. Though I’ve never identified as straight … “bi” since college. I went to Vassar, what do you expect?

10 p.m. We go home and have sex. Both a little tipsy. Leah always gets me off … but I find myself touching her less. Also, she didn’t get me a birthday present (though did pay for a very nice dinner with an expensive bottle of wine). I think I’m slightly pissed at her for the no present thing, even though I told her not to get me anything.


8 a.m. I’m giving blood today because I’m freezing my eggs and there’s a ton of appointments to make that happen. Leah would want to get us pregnant like yesterday, but I’m not ready. For one, there is a part of me that still wonders if I should have a baby with a man. Or maybe, just … not with Leah. I’ve loved men and women. I don’t know which road to take if I’m being honest. My mom — who is my best friend — says I’m just not ready to make a decision. But I’m 37. I should make up my mind.

10:30 a.m. Reggie, the CEO, is in town for press meetings. I go with him around the city for one-on-ones with hospitality editors. Reggie is incredibly hot. Women collapse over him. As do men. As do I …

5 p.m. Our workday is almost over. Reggie suggests we go to an oyster bar in the West Village that an editor told us about. It’s not the first time for just the two of us to go out together, but it’s the first time we’ll be in a nighttime setting having freakin’ aphrodisiacs for dinner.

7 p.m. Dinner was great. We talked about Leah, and Reggie’s wife, who is also a CEO and an actual badass. We both commented on “all relationships being hard.” And how it takes “a lot of work.” And things ebb and flow. And all those little lines people use to cover up for the fact that things aren’t so great at home. I’m not sure what this dinner might lead to. I’ve cheated on Leah before. One was on a work trip with an ex-boyfriend. The other was at a lesbian concert thing with some random girl who I did a little coke with. I’d guess Leah has probably strayed once or twice too. I don’t care. I’m not fanatical about fidelity; I’m just not.

8:30 p.m. We both Uber home. We hug, because we got closer over that dinner. But neither of us are going to cross any lines tonight.


9:30 a.m. Lots of work and meetings. Reggie is back in the Midwest, where he is based.

12:30 p.m. I have lunch with my mom. It’s fun because I have a corporate card and my mother has very little money, so I can take her to fancy lunches and we can play dress-up, a little bit. We go to Lafeyette in Soho and we order a bottle of Champagne. What do we have to celebrate? Well, my birthday, and life, and each other.

My mom had it rough. She was a single mom who worked a bunch of jobs to make sure her kids got good educations. She just retired and thank goodness, because that woman deserves a break. My siblings have done well, but none of us are wealthy, and all I want is to one day buy my mother an apartment and make her feel financially comfortable. When I think about having kids, I do wonder if I should do that with a wealthier person than Leah. I know you can’t change who you love (do I love her?) but you can choose who you date. Should I date a more successful person the next time around? Leah is music teacher around New York City. She makes maybe $30,000 a year — and she’s okay with that.

6 p.m. I leave work. Leah and I are meeting at a local pizza place where we love the house wine. Leah has some work drama that she’s upset about, which makes me kind of annoyed because it’s not like she has an intense job. But I listen and we work it out together. It’s all a bit dramatic for my taste. I think I’m starting to find myself falling out of love with her.

8:30 p.m. We finish the season of Succession — so fucking good! And go to bed. No sex.


9:30 a.m. I’m VERY happy I wore makeup today because Reggie is back in the office.  He comes right into my office and sits on my couch. He has some work dinner tonight that he asks if I want to join. I’m conflicted for several reasons: The most obvious issue is that it’s Leah’s birthday tomorrow and I was going to cook tonight, as we are having friends over tomorrow night for both of our birthdays. Ah fuckity-fuck-fuck. I tell him I have to figure out my plans but maybe-probably-yes.

12:30 p.m. He pops his head into my office. “So?” Yeah, I’ll be there. I ask permission to leave work a little early to change into “eveningwear.” Reggie likes that.

4:45 p.m. Leah is teaching a class until 6 p.m. so I have an hour to be a total girl and figure out my outfit while drinking a cocktail. I go with my best little black dress. The last time I wore this dress Leah said I looked like J.Lo. (Clearly a lie but a lie I can live with.)

7 p.m. Dinner at a very formal restaurant in Tribeca. Reggie pulls out my chair. What makes me feel nervous is that the people we’re dining with are obviously going to think we’re having an affair. And we’re not. Don’t forget, I run the PR for this company …

I don’t want any rumors swirling so throughout the dinner I play the lesbian card, hard. That seems to work. My knees touch Reggie’s throughout, though, and the friction between our bodies is off the chain. I imagine this is what it’s like to be with Reggie at every dinner, he’s just that hot. I’m wet from the knee-touches, I really am.

10:30 p.m. Dinner goes late. Leah knows I’m at a work thing. She doesn’t cook or entertain so it wouldn’t occur to her that I’ve put off cooking for 12 people to be here with Reggie. I don’t know how I’ll get it all done before 6 p.m. tomorrow. I’ve promised our friends a home-cooked feast …

11 p.m. Dinner and post-dinner drinks are over. Reggie and I take different Ubers home. I’m relieved there wasn’t any temptation from him; because I don’t know that I could have said no. He may actually be a man who doesn’t cheat on his wife. Fascinating.


9 a.m. If I could have faked sick, I would have, but my boss was out drinking with me until 11, so that’s off the table. I go to work and mostly just panic about this dinner party tonight. I’m frantically Googling recipes that take under an hour to prepare. But I was supposed to do the grocery shopping last night and everything … we have nothing at home. We don’t even have wine.

12:30 p.m. I run to Whole Foods on my lunch break but it’s so damn hot out and I feel so hungover, I just can’t. I literally can’t. I make the executive decision to make it a Thai food and wine party. I’ll order really good Thai off one of the better food-delivery sites and everyone will be just as happy. It’s less special for Leah, but, ugh, Leah … what am I going to do about that.

7:30 p.m. Our friends arrive at the same time the food does. Candles are lit. I’m showered and more excited about everything. Leah is dressed up and looks pretty and I’m really drawn to her — not because she looks pretty but because I’m happy to be her girlfriend and excited for our little party.

11 p.m. The party was a hit. We made toasts to each other and Leah cried while making my toast … my heart felt both joyful and sad when that happened. We shower together after the party, have sex, and go to bed.


10 a.m. I sleep late because I know this won’t be my life forever. I will have kids in the next few years and all this self-indulgence won’t be my story.

12:30 p.m. We go to our favorite Saturday spin class together. Leah is really good at spin and I get off on knowing the women in class, and perhaps the instructor, are sweating her as she rides.

6:30 p.m. We curl up to some TV and eat our Thai leftovers on the couch. It’s comforting and safe. We make a date to talk about my egg freezing and our future as mothers tomorrow over brunch. I really just needed a low-key day today.


10 a.m. Another late morning. I mean, why not, while I still can?

11 a.m. We head to Frankie’s for brunch. It’s where we had our first date. We’re holding hands and being kind of sleepy and happy. Leah says she really wants to talk about having kids together. It’s a proposal of sorts. I can tell she’s been practicing what to say …. I mean, it’s come up before, but this is very much like: let’s do it NOW. I order another Bloody Mary. I tell her I’m not ready and that’s the best I can do. It’s not a hard no, but I’m not ready. She seems hurt. The rest of brunch kinda sucks.

4 p.m. We go to another spin class. This one kind of sucks. She’s in a bad mood and I’m left feeling like the unstable bad girlfriend.

5 p.m. My best guy friend wants to take us both out to dinner to end our birthday week. Leah says she’s honestly not in the mood. She’s sulking. I feel bad, but I also could use some serious bonding with my friend.

6:30 p.m. My friend and I grab burgers at a local place. I tell him I wanted to fuck Reggie all week; that I’m not all over Leah like I once was; that there’s something deep in the pit of my stomach that says NOT to have kids with her and I don’t know if that’s because I want a traditional mother and father for my children or if I just don’t want to co-parent with Leah. My friend says he’s seen me happier … this makes me cry. It’s weird to hear the truth. I have been happier. But is happiness overrated? My girlfriend is wonderful and kind and we work well together. It’s easy. “Who wants easy?” he says, and I say, “A little challenge would be nice.”

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The Woman Worried She’s Falling Out of Love