“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart,” Stormy Daniels wrote, of an encounter with President Donald Trump. The passage, included in an excerpt from her upcoming tell-all Full Disclosure, was released by the Guardian early Tuesday morning and resulted in the disgust of many, the jubilation of some, and the heartache of one.
Toad, who has only ever been kind to you.
Toad: a helper. Toad: a warrior. Toad: the character this author chooses every time she plays Mario Kart, which she admits is not often due to her advanced age. Our little friend Toad. This sweet tiny fellow with a kind face and a mushroom-cap head has been unkindly linked, and will likely remain so forever, to the president’s horrific dick.
It would be easy for us to assume that Toad has paid no price for our giggling pleasure; that perhaps he doesn’t even know his form has been compared to that of the president’s predictably disgusting and nightmarish member. Wouldn’t that be nice? To live in a world where our ghoulish acts had no fungal consequence. I’m sorry to tell you that this is not the case. Toad knows that he looks like Donald Trump’s penis. And he knows you have been laughing at him.
It is heartbreaking to behold. But, of course, there is no going back now. That we made our friend Toad sad because he looks like the president’s hideous cock is for us to sit with. This pain is for us, and, heartbreakingly, for Toad, to know.