Hello humans, did you hear the good news? Idris Elba is in talks to join the most important film that will ever be made in the history of Hollywood: the movie version of Cats the musical, which is also set to star Taylor Swift (whose specific role has yet to be announced), Jennifer Hudson (as Grizabella), James Corden (role also unknown) and now, also Judi Dench, who will be playing the wise Old Deuteronomy, in a gender-swapping role as he’s a male cat in the show. (For those who aren’t familiar with the musical, the Cut’s Katie Heaney summed up the plot as: “I didn’t know what to expect and it was really just a list of cats! Couldn’t believe it.”)
The potential casting of Idris Elba, in particular, raises new questions about the film adaptation. Most specifically: which cat will be playing, and is this the hottest cat from Cats? Hmm. Let’s figure this out together.
Idris will reportedly play Macavity, the cat criminal mastermind. Is this the hottest cat from Cats?
It’s been reported that Idris Elba might be playing Macavity. Given how Idris Elba looks, you might assume that Macavity is the hottest of all the Cats. But … you’d be wrong. See, Macavity is the bad boy of the bunch; as one of the Cats sings, “Macavity’s a mystery cat / he’s called the hidden paw / for he’s the master criminal who can defy the law.”
But when it comes to hotness, we aren’t just interested in good looks and a penchant for crime. No, we’re also looking for a cat that immediately sends us into uncontrollable heat.
What about Victora the White Cat?
One of the many cats in Cats is Victoria the White Cat. She is pretty boring. Sure, she’s good at ballet, but where’s her edge? What’s interesting about her, other than the obvious (ballet-doing cat)? What’s her je ne sais quois? Nothing, I’d say. So, no this is not the hottest cat. Sorry to be blunt.
Now let’s consider the crime duo of Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer.
Macavity isn’t the only criminal cat in Cats; there’s also Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer, who love committing crime almost as much as they love doing tandem cartwheels. This duo offers two-for-one mischief; where one goes, the other follows. But hotness is not determined by breaking the law, unfortunately for them. We need more.
Of course, there’s also Magical Mr. Mistoffelees.
If there’s anything you need to know about Mr. Mistoffelees, it’s that he’s a cat magician and can dance. “Oh! Well I never!,” the cats sing of him. “Was there ever a cat so clever as Magical Mr. Mistoffelees.” He says “presto” as he appears, has fur that lights up, he does magic tricks that involve fire, and he leaps with magical cat-like grace.
But does this make him hot? Meh.
Curve ball: How about Old Deuteronomy?
The oldest and wisest cat of the bunch is Old Deuteronomy, who has “lived many lives in succession” according to Wikipedia. The cat (who will be played by Judi Dench on screen, how delightful) is loved and respected. So where does Deuteronomy stand on the scale of hotness? Well, this cat more of a grandparent-figure than an object of romantic admiration, so fairly low in my estimation. But fun fact: this cat is named after the Bible.
And we can’t forget Grizabella the Glamour Cat.
You want heart? You want (masked under matted hair) beauty? You want the cat who brings down the house (via “Memory,” see the video below)? Well look no further than Grizabella the Glamour Cat.
Grizabella is a survivor. She’s gone from glam to forgotten; young to victim of age discrimination. The cats bully and neglect her, and rudely hiss at her, and then Old Deuteronomy helps lead her to her death (and presumed rebirth) in the Heaviside Layer. She’s not the hottest cat, but she’s definitely the most inspirational.
No, the hottest cat is, by far, the overtly sexual Rum Tum Tugger.
If there’s one cat who oozes sex appeal, it’s simply the hottest cat from Cats: Rum Tum Tugger, who sings and thrusts his hips around like Elvis Presley. He wears a spiked collar and dry humps his way into your heart.
It’s obvious from freaking space that Rum Tum Tugger — “a curious cat” — is a player. After all, the lyrics of his namesake song state, “He is artful and knowing” and “doesn’t care for a cuddle.” He even says of himself: “If you set me on a mouse, then I only want a rat / If you set me on a rat, then I’d rather chase a mouse.” Rum Tum Tugger the kind of cat you avoid in your 30s, but obsess over in your early-to-mid 20s, when the thrill of the chase and emotional unavailability are still irresistible.
Rum Tum Tugger gets under your skin; his games take over your mind; and he’s responsible for the sexual-awakening of presumably millions of humans (a rough estimate). If that’s not hot for a cat, I don’t know what is.