celebrity weddings

All The Famous People At Gwyneth Paltrow’s Wedding, An Investigation

Photo: Getty Images

Today, Gwyneth Paltrow released 47 photographs from her September wedding in the Hamptons, where she married Brad Falchuk. Like most wedding galleries one can peruse online, photographs of important people at the occasion are accompanied with helpful identifying captions like, “Brad and his best friends from high school,” or “Two of GP’s best friends since middle school,” and “A golf cart upgrade, care of mokeUSA.”

Unlike every other kind of gallery on the internet, photos of GP and Brad’s more famous friends were left completely blank. Captionless. This made clicking through the gallery feel very much like living in L.A.: You know there are a bunch of famous people around, everyone looks familiar and like they’re probably famous, you’re just unsure why they look familiar or which particular famous person they are.

You end up furiously googling things like “Ryan Murphy beard september 2018” to confirm your suspicions and slowly begin to spiral, wondering if you were ever in the know to begin with, if you even know who you really are, and if any of it really matters in the grand scheme of things. A fitting thing to ponder on this All Souls’ Day. Anyway, here are the caption-less famous people we’ve unearthed so far:

1. Jerry Seinfeld’s Hamptons Mansion

Photos 1-9: GP credited the cast-iron cocottes, but forgot to mention that the entire rehearsal dinner was held at Jerry Seinfeld’s Hamptons Mansion.

2. Jerry Seinfeld

Photo 9: If you zoom in really closely on the nearest pole, you will see the face of a man to the right of it. I’m pretty sure that’s Jerry Seinfeld at his Hamptons Mansion.

3. Cameron Diaz

Photo 11: Looks like Cam also got her makeup done by Gucci Westman and her hair done by Orlando Pita. Nice!

4. Ryan Murphy

Photo 14: Pretty sure he’d go to this because of the whole Brad Falchuck being his creative partner thing, so I’m pretty sure that’s him.

5. Derek Blasberg

Photo 14: He’d also definitely go to this, so I’m also pretty sure that’s him.

6. Susan Downey

Photo 15: Her husband Robert Downey, Jr. is bound to pop up any minute because of the whole Iron Man situation.

7. Steven Spielberg & Kate Capshaw

Photo 15: Spielberg is GP’s godfather so this one makes sense. I think that makes his wife Kate Capshaw kind of her other godmother by marriage. I sincerely hope SS was the videographer. A lot of people regret not getting a videographer after their wedding.

8. Benji Madden’s Place Card

Photo 26: It seems Mr. Benji Madden did not make it through to the final selects like Mrs. Benji Madden did, but the Daily Mail caught him on the way out, at least.

9. Robert Downey, Jr.

Photo 37: Pretty sure that’s RDJ giving a cheeky speech filled with behind-the-scenes antics because what else could cause GP’s mouth to form into the same exact shape as the smile-laugh emoji with teeth.

10. Rob Lowe

Photo 44: Rob Lowe said he’s known Gwyneth since she was 17 years old and he also went to high school with RDJ, so that’s definitely him on the dance floor. He also posted this Instagram the day after the ceremony and has been telling everyone about the wedding ever since.

11. Cameron Diaz again

Photo 46: Diaz was spotted leaving the wedding with husband Benji Madden and she is wearing a white jacket just like this in every paparazzi shot. If repeated viewings of the Charlie’s Angels films as a youth taught me anything, it’s that this also looks like a very Cameron Diaz type dance move. I think that’s her.

Still caption-less

If anyone knows who the un-captioned individuals (GP code for “famous people”) are in photos 17 and 40, please identify them below. Thank you.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Wedding, An Investigation