Warning: horny spoilers below!
Bodyguard is a BBC drama about David Budd (Richard Madden/Robb Stark) a hot bodyguard who works for and has insane sexual tension with Julia Montague (Keeley Hawes), a hot politician who wears beautiful cashmere sweaters. There are other minor plot points as well (domestic terrorism; the military industrial complex; the complexities of being a woman in power) but the overarching theme is clearly Horniness.
The series, on Netflix now, is the U.K.’s “most-watched drama since current records began,” according to the BBC, and it’s easy to see why. Budd (hot) doesn’t talk much (very hot); he seems like a good dad (hot); and he calls Montague “Ma’am” all the time (hot!!!). Montague (hot) wears stylish and comfortable ensembles (comfort is hot!); does not suffer fools (hot); and is unapologetic about her ambition and sexuality (extremely hot!).
For reasons I won’t spoil for you, the show gets significantly less tantalizing after episode three, but each episode is about three years long, so there’s plenty of sexy moments and significant, loaded glances to enjoy before then. Below, find our breakdown of Bodyguard’s horniest moments, graded in husky “ma’ams.”
When Budd gives Montague his shirt (Episode 1)
As someone whose clothing is constantly covered in coffee and hot sauce, one of the sexiest scenes, to me, is when Budd offers Montague his shirt after her loser aide spills coffee all over her right before a television interview. He starts taking off his coat and tie and unbuttoning his shirt, and one guy is like, “What are you doing?” and Budd says, “My shirts are altered to fit over my ballistic vest, so the chest-to-waist ratio should be compatible.”
Wow, a very sexy sentence, and a very sexy and polite thing to do.
Horniness level: Three ma’ams.
When Budd makes Montague tea (Episode 2)
Montague and Budd eat dinner together at her house, and they’re finally starting to loosen up around each other. When he gets up to leave she says, “Unless you fancy a cuppa,” and at first you think he’s gonna be all stiff and professional and say something like, “I’d better be getting home.” But instead he jokes, “I should make it. Kettles, ma’am. They can be quite the danger in untrained hands.” It’s not a great joke, but he tried.
Then they both look quiet and sexually frustrated, and you can tell they want to throw their leftover sandwiches across the room and make out, but they don’t, because the BBC is high-brow, and makes you wait for it.
Horniness level: One ma’am.
The first hump (Episode 2)
Montague and Budd are alone in her hotel room together when, in a rare moment of vulnerability, she says, “I’m not the queen. You can touch me, you know,” and finally — FINALLY — after almost two hours of crotch migraines, it’s happening! And they hug, and then they make out, and then they go to her bed, and we’re treated to two minutes of tasteful close ups of gaping mouths and gripping fingers and rhythmically rocking backs. The whole scene is set to very dramatic music to make sure you know this is a high-stakes lay.
Horniness level: Twenty ma’ams.
The anger hump (Episode 2)
When Budd finds out Montague knew about a potential attack on his kids’ school, he’s very upset because, as I mentioned before, he’s a good, hot dad. But then Montague opens the door between their adjoining hotel rooms, and she looks horny, and Budd looks angry, but also horny, and I’m not onscreen but I’m also angry and horny and screaming, “Just do it already!!!”
Then they take off their pants and start doing it on a desk, or maybe it’s a credenza, I can’t tell, and Montague says, “My job … your job … It just … complicates everything,” and Budd humps, “Nothing complicates my job. It’s to protect you.” And then I became so overwhelmed that I immediately passed out.
Horniness level: Infinity ma’ams!
When Montague Frenches Budd in the bathroom (Episode 3)
As Montague and her security detail are leaving for work in the morning, she has to go to the bathroom, and Budd goes in and checks all the stalls to make sure no one else is there, which is already extremely hot because I wish someone would do this every time I had to use a restroom. When he gives the all-clear, Montague shoves Budd against the door and they make out, and even though they just sort of peck at each other’s upper lips, it’s still steamy.
Horniness level: Six ma’ams.
When Montague says she’s too busy to hump (Episode 3)
One night after they’ve already started Doing It, Budd gets all moody because Montague tells him she has a couple of hours of work to do before they embark on the H.M.S. Bone Zone, and Montague says, “Please don’t turn out to be another bloke who can’t accept a woman having more power.” Budd admits he’s wrong, which is hot, and then Montague lures him by putting her hand down her pants, which is nice and direct.
Horniness level: Four ma’ams.
Budd’s butt! (Episode 3)
Horniness level: Twelve ma’ams.
The last hump (Episode 3)
Something something, Montague made a power grab, yada yada yada, then there’s a lot of aggressive thrusting, and it’s the last time you’ll see them do it, but you don’t know that yet, so maybe you don’t appreciate it as much as you should.
Horniness level: Fifteen ma’ams.