3 Theories About Ted Cruz’s New Facial Hair

Ted Cruz, without a beard.
Ted Cruz, without a beard. Photo: Alex Wong/Getty Images

Senator Ted Cruz is trying something new with his look. Maybe not something good, but definitely something new. In a recent photo snapped of Cruz and posted to Twitter, Ted Cruz is sporting facial hair. It couldn’t be considered a full beard, but it definitely isn’t the freshly shaven face he had when Donald Trump called him “beautiful Ted.” Why is he doing this?

Here are three theories on why Ted Cruz has made the shocking decision to grow out his stubble.

He read that women find men with facial hair more attractive.

Various studies have concluded that women tend to find men with facial hair to be more attractive than men without it. (There are also studies saying that women don’t find facial hair more attractive — science isn’t perfect.) It’s easy to imagine though, Ted Cruz sitting down, scrolling through Twitter, avoiding tweets that might get him into trouble, and seeing a New York Times headline about what beards can do for a man.

Perhaps he was hoping that with a some appealing facial hair, he could somehow stop the exodus of women abandoning the Republican Party. Ted maybe thought that a little five o’clock shadow could make people forget.

He is trying to adopt a more relaxed persona after nearly losing to chill and sweaty Beto O’Rourke.

During the senate race against Ted Cruz (which Cruz narrowly won) Beto O’Rourke became known as the cool guy of Texas politics. He was in a punk band, cradled bunnies, skateboarded into campaign events, and even made perspiration seem cool.

Meanwhile, Ted maintained his reputation as the least likable politician in America. People were sad after Beto lost, and they still wanted more from him and are now even suggesting that he run for president. Ted wasn’t getting that kind of attention, and no one has ever suggested he run for president. Maybe the facial hair is a desperate attempt at a scruffy rebrand, like he wants the world to remember he pretended to like music once.

He has just completely given up on his appearance.

Maybe we’re being too optimistic here. Maybe the facial hair has nothing to do with an attempt to get more positive attention, but rather, Ted’s public declaration of apathy. Maybe he will stop shaving, forever, and slowly grow out a thick beard. Next month, he might stop wearing ties. The month after that, he may show up to work with a ketchup stain on his pants. This post-Thanksgiving semi-beard could be a signal to America that Ted Cruz is tired, and just doesn’t care about how he looks anymore.

What’s the story Ted? We’re listening.

3 Theories About Ted Cruz’s New Facial Hair