A Suggestion for the Alignment of the Holland Tunnel Decorations



Today on its website, the Port Authority announced it had launched a public poll in response to the ongoing debate surrounding the Holland Tunnel’s holiday decorations. After the release of yesterday’s petition to alter the decorations on the New Jersey entrance to the tunnel so that its sign would read “HOLLAND TUNNEL” rather than “HOLLAAD TONNEL,” many joined their voices to rally against the so-called “OCD nightmare” that is “HOLLAAD TONNEL.” It seems, today, that the Port Authority is trying to listen.

“Some commuters have recently suggested that the holiday decorations adorning the entrance to the Holland Tunnel, which consist of two wreaths and a tree (pictured below, in the first photo), should be shifted,” wrote the Port Authority. “Historically, the decorations have been symmetrically aligned above tunnel lanes. What would your top preference be from the options below?”

It would be a lie to say the poll did not absolutely break my heart with its sweetness, apparent sincerity, and desire to be better:

Oh, God. Just keep it as it is. I’m sorry we said anything. I love you. :(

That said, I maybe do have a fifth suggestion to add. I will detail it for you below.

1. The “H” should be adorned to read “Ho, Ho, Ho,” which I think is obvious.

2. The “O” should have a nativity scene inside its belly.

3. No shit, the “L”s should be candy canes. (The “A” can be a tree.)

4. The “N” should be an image of Pee-wee Herman holding up the word “YEAR” from his Christmas special, to remind everyone to watch it again this year.

5. “D” should be the deciduous tree emoji (one of my favorites).

6. “T” should be a picture of my youngest brother, since that’s the first letter of his name.

7. “U” should be a sun with sunglasses.

8. The rest should be “cool ‘S’s.”

9. And the cars should be harp seals.

Thank you, that’s my vote!

We Solved the Holland Tunnel’s Disastrous Decoration Crisis