hungry hungry hippo

Fiona the Hippo Is ‘Living the Best Life,’ Thanks

Our girl cracked 1,000 pounds this week, and is reportedly thriving. Photo: AP/REX/Shutterstock

Have you heard? Fiona the Hippo has a remarkable achievement to report: She now weighs over 1,000 pounds, or one-half ton, or roughly one-third of your average river cow’s weight. Good job, Fiona, really excellent work, and an example for us all.

For those of you who do not feel especially well-versed in healthy hippo weights, allow Fiona’s custodian, Jenna Wingate of the Cincinnati Zoo, to explain:

“A thousand pounds is an exciting number and a big number, and she’s a third of the way to being a full-grown hippo,” Wingate told Cincinnati Public Radio. You will doubtless recall that Fiona — who will turn two on January 24, can you believe it? — was born prematurely, at just 29 pounds, whereas most calves come crashing into this world at a robust 50 to 100 pounds.

“We didn’t even know if she would survive, let alone if she would grow just as any other hippo calf does, or how large she would get,” Wingate continued. “She seems to be right on track with other hippos her age and is hitting all the marks as she should.” But now, according to Wingate, Fiona’s “living the best life” — hers and yours.

Wingate noted that Fiona is “just a normal hippo,” which must be an attempt to keep her grounded because, obviously, Fiona is exemplary: What other hippo do you know with its own show, or its own ice-cream flavor? Our girl’s growing up, and I just want to take another look at her.

Remember baby’s first bottle?

Here she is exploring a box, bless her:

And mom’s mouth!

If I am being honest with myself, I would not have made it through 2017 without bath time:

I mean, look at that smile:

Shhhhhh, just watch her splash around:

She even learned to read, incredible:


Fiona consulted the orbs:

And then, after much hard work honing her porpoising skills, it seems like just yesterday really, she made her big debut in the zoo’s outdoor pool:

And now we all get to watch her frolic every goddamned day. Do not be alarmed by all these “open-mouthed interactions,” they are completely normal and more than we deserve:



I Just Want to Take Another Look at Her