I Love This Stupid Horse

Out of the hellish year that is 2018 have emerged a number of unforgettable animals to assuage our collective malaise: the “giant” “cow,” the Hot Duck, the drunk bird, the chocoholic bears. Just in time to join the ranks of the other animals, one other otherworldly creature has emerged from a farm in North Carolina: Tango, the stupid horse, whom I love.

Earlier this month, the Twitter account @mckellogs first introduced the world to Tango, a beautiful cream-colored horse who sleeps lying down because he’s lazy, screams for “snackies,” and refuses to stay in the barn during the winter months, which has the Twitter account owner’s dad worried that the horse — or, as @mckellogs inexplicably refers to him, the “horf” — might fall asleep in the snow and never wake up in the coming months.

“Update on the impending snowmageddon back home: my dad is building a gate to attach to the barn so he can trap the HORF in it during the snow, bc otherwise Tango will go lay down in the feet of snow and just become a horse-cicle because he is too stupid to understand a barn,” reads the tweet.

We implore the dad to protect this Taurus icon, as this potential tragedy would devastate the entire world, which has fallen in love with Tango’s obstinacy and impeccably smooth brain over the past few weeks.

Here he is, looking straight-up deceased.

And here’s Tango … when he’s hungry?

Perhaps the family should try the tried-and-true method luring Tango into the barn with Doritos. If it worked on a pig, it could work on Tango. (Just kidding — pigs are freaking smart.)

I Love This Stupid Horse