To be honest, I would be pleased if I attended a DJ James Kennedy set at SUR and James rapped something along the lines of his now-infamous line, “Remember when Jax fucked Faith?”
My allegiance lies, of course, with Brittany, but James using his SUR sets to rhythmically recap plot-points of Vanderpump Rules seems right. And fun! Why waste his time saying anything else? This is what the people are there for. “Remember when no one called Scheana after the thing with her teeth?” “Remember in this episode when Tom had ‘seen one of those!!,’ referring to the type of table James and Raquel had in their new apartment?” “Remember Laura Leigh, everybodaaay?????”
Anyway, we join the cast of Vanderpump Rules where we left them: on Brittany and Jax’s engagement night. Oh, good. Stassi explained that once Brittany got home she was in for “the biggest surprise of her life,” which turned out to be: the cast of Vanderpump Rules. Who could have guessed? Everyone was waiting to celebrate her in the apartment we recognize from when everyone was there last season to listen to the tape of Jax having sex with Faith.
Also, it’s Pride — infamously the day on which, in the second episode of the first season, Scheana put suntan lotion on Jax. (Remember when Scheana put suntan lotion on Jax everybodaayyyy?) Pride is the busiest day for SUR and Pump, as we are told during the Pride episode of every season. This Pride, Kristen has schemed a classic Kristen scheme. She’s mad at James for … how he rapped … about Jax cheating on Brittany … a few weeks ago … because it made Brittany sad, and also Jax is good now? Anyway she’s mad at James, so she’s brought Hope (a person) to SUR, and they have snuck in the back for I don’t know what reason.
Hope is here, you see, because she allegedly slept with James at Coachella when James’s girlfriend, Raquel, was right in the other room. Oh my god. Who would ever do such a thing? Okay yes, Kristen would do such a thing with Jax while they were watching Drive and Tom Sandoval (Kristen’s boyfriend at the time) was in the other room, but, okay, who else? Hmm? See?
Everyone is mad at Raquel for letting herself get cheated on by James. How could she do this? She should quit school and watch James’s penis full-time! Or she should at least let everyone take turns using the washer and dryer she and James have in their new apartment, using sort of a schedule system. Maybe Ariana and Tom get Mondays, Katie and other Tom get Wednesdays, and the rest get Friday through Sunday, and they can work it out themselves? Something!!!!
Hope did have a very good line, though. What should Raquel be upset with James about? Well: “His infidelity, like, all the time.” Yes, that would do it. Raquel, maybe you can date Peter? There has to be another way for you to stay on the show. You’re even in talking heads now! You’re almost there!
And again, we got to see Stassi’s boyfriend Beau not being the dreaded Patrick. Good job, Beau. Stassi seems to have removed herself completely from the drama so far this season, and I commend her for this. Also she doesn’t even have to pretend to work at SUR, like Jax. Oh, Jax. Maybe there will be another hockey team that needs social media … someday.