parliament pooper

A Mystery Pooper Is Haunting South Australian Parliament

South Australian MPs vow to sniff out the Parliament Pooper and bring the scoundrel to justice. Photo: Casey Hill/Getty Images

In a terrifically relatable feat of pettiness, the South Australian Parliament may pass a motion to unmask the mystery pooper who’s been tearing up their workplace toilets. This thanks to — what else — an interoffice email.

According to the Australian Broadcasting Company, Joint Parliamentary Service Committee Secretary Rick Crump recently wrote members of Parliament and staff, alerting them to the presence of a bathroom bandit in their midst. Some anonymous turd has lately been leaving behind a “significantly soiled” crime scene in the men’s room, Crump warned.

Incriminatingly enough, the offending dumps only cropped up during sitting weeks, a pattern that points the finger of blame squarely at politicians.

“The blatant disregard for and lack of respect shown to the other occupants of the building, especially the hard-working building services staff, is very concerning,” the aptly named Crump complained, adding that the toilets aren’t just for MPs — they’re also for guests and the public, and wrecking them leaves visitors with “a very distasteful and lasting impression of the institution.”

Labor MP Nat Cook responded to the email with a series of potty joke puns, telling ABC that her peers had “enough crap that they hear in the actual chamber” without having to get “bogged down in this kind of rubbish.” Cook reportedly proposed the formation of some kind of poop investigation committee to sniff out the culprit, while her colleague — Primary Industries Minister Tim Whetstone — ominously pledged, “We will find them and they will be dealt with accordingly.”

Apparently, Crump hopes that a simple plea for decency will prompt the rapscallion to change their ways. Personally, I cannot imagine many things more mortifying than realizing you’re the subject of an office-wide poop alert, except perhaps dumping 800 pounds of human waste on a boat full of tourists. (It could be worse! You could be Dave Matthews.) Maybe in the end, it’ll be that potent shame-stress cocktail that stops up the perp for good.

Who’s Pooping All Over the South Australian Parliament?