For some, How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is a tale about a grouchy, misanthropic thief whose heart swells suddenly and dangerously when he learns to love Christmas and his fellow man (or Who). For others, it is a tale about a sexy, anti-capitalist bad boy who has a cute little dog and an intriguing anatomy.
Below, four Cut staffers discuss what makes the Grinch totally kind of hot.
Madeleine Aggeler, staff writer: Hello. Happy holidays and thank you all for being here. Let’s start, as we always do, by talking about when you first realized the Grinch was totally kind of hot.
Gabriella Paiella, senior writer: For me, personally, it was exactly one day ago, when you asked us to choose which holiday icon we think is the hottest and I naturally gravitated toward the Grinch. (I don’t believe Santa was on that list though, which is too bad, because he is quite obviously a very generous lover.)
Kelly Conaboy, writer-at-large: Wow — exactly the same. I never particularly thought about it until it was brought up but then I thought, wow, yes.
Callie Beusman, news editor: I don’t know if I think he is “hot,” per se, but I have recognized him as a sexual icon ever since seeing this tweet about how sexy the “Mr. Grinch” song is:
I feel like calling him “Mr. Grinch” somehow has Fifty Shades of Grey vibes. Don’t ask me to elaborate on this.
MA: The “Mr. Grinch” song is so hot. It’s a bummer that you often end up listening to it around family (not hot).
GP: I am listening now. Oh, damn. TFW his heart’s an empty hole *drool emoji*.
CB: This concept was already rolling around in my decrepit mind-palace when we were sent a series of Grinch-branded cosmetics from some PR person, which included an eyeshadow palette and four different face masks. I was obviously intrigued by this, and found that many of the eyeshadow shades had undeniably sexy names — “Mr. Grinch” was right next to “Naughty” (!!!!). Also, one of the face masks was called “Pore Punisher.”
KC: Oh my God, that is obscene. The Grinch punishing your pores. Your naughty pores …
I would say the sexiest thing about the Grinch is how he is an asshole but capable of growing a heart, but also not really, like the guy character from You’re the Worst.
GP: Most importantly, he loves his dog!!!
MA: Yes, that’s hot.
KC: There are so many hot things about him.
CB: What if the Grinch is just a reasonable person who is critical of the hypercapitalist society that is Whoville? (I don’t really remember what happens in The Grinch.)
KC: He just wants to teach children that their worth isn’t measured by their possessions.
GP: Did the Grinch used to be a Who? Like the orcs used to be elves in Lord of the Rings? I have never seen the Grinch …
MA: He’s a bad boy Who who doesn’t play by the rules.
CB: What do you think the Grinch’s dick is like?
KC: Fuzzy nub.
MA: Corkscrew, like a duck.
CB: I feel like it unfurls. Like this:
KC: Horrifying but accurate.
MA: Do you think he would be a selfish or generous lover?
KC: Selfish, but I think the selfishness would present in a way that his partner would enjoy.
MA: I think he would be selfish and not very good when you first started hooking up, but then he would really improve. Heart growing three sizes, and all.
CB: Definitely selfish. But I think he becomes an awful lover after his heart grows three sizes … refers to sex as “making love” … stops sending dick pics. The Grinch is only hot when his heart is an empty hole.
KC: Gross, yeah. The dynamic would only work when he’s an asshole.
MA: Here’s something I just found on wikipedia.org: “Cardiologist David Kass suggested that the rapid growth of the Grinch’s heart at the end of the story indicates that the Grinch has the physiology of a Burmese python.”
GP: Ooh, la la.
MA: Apparently snakes have two penises, so maybe that’s what the Grinch has.
KC: I don’t think I want two, personally.
CB: I’m watching the ending scene of the cartoon movie, and the narrator says this: “And now that his heart didn’t feel quite so tight / He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.” That is the most OBSCENE sentence I’ve ever heard.
KC: Oh my god.
CB: When his heart was small, he never whizzed with his load. Just proving us even righter.
MA: Okay, do you all have any final thoughts about what makes the Grinch hot? It seems worth noting that the Grinch is incredibly strong, since he’s able to carry all those stolen Christmas presents up the mountain by himself.
GP: The Grinch skips leg day, but he has an enormous and powerful torso. One more thing I would like to point out about him is that he seems like a man who would be really into gossiping with you.
MA: Yes! He would be so fun to go to parties with, and whenever you complained about someone he wouldn’t be like, “I’m sure that’s not what they meant” he would be like, “Yeah they suck.”
KC: Yes, he would definitely hate all the right people.
CB: My final thought: The Grinch is a sexy bad boy who loves being naughty and savoring his load. It is a shame the people of Whoville took this from us with their joyous caroling.