This year saw a marked rise in internet horniness. People in 2018 were horny for everything: sweaty politicians, Netflix rom-com stars, a hot duck. This was the year that gave us a ripped kangaroo and a Japanese squirrel with boobs, not to mention an aquarium that had to apologize after calling an otter “thicc.” Taken all together, it’s a bit overwhelming, but we’ve tried to sum it up in a timeline below. Read on for the year in horniness.
February: Horny Turtlenecks
We started the year off slow. The first overt public display of horniness came at New York Fashion Week, when LaQuan Smith added a thong to a turtleneck to make the sexiest turt we’ve ever seen.
March: Horny Supermodels and Deep-Sea Fish
Naomi Campbell and Skepta shared the cover of British GQ and they looked incredible. Both were nearly nude, and even though they were described as “close friends,” they stirred something deep within anyone who wanted to get closer to a friend.
Also in March, deep-sea anglerfish were caught mating on video, and angler porn was born.
April: Horny Pink Pants and a Horny TV Tribute
Early in the month, Janelle Monáe released her video for “Pynk,” a single featuring Grimes (this was before Elon Musk — how innocent we were!). In the video, she sports a pair of pink and red pants replete with suggestive ruffles.
A few weeks later, when Shonda Rhimes’s Scandal ended in mid-April, the finale gave everyone the changce to revisit the show’s horniest moments. Who can forget the post-baptismal electronics-closet sex?
May: A New Royal Crush, Sex Dust, and a Mystery Blonde
By late May, we’d already spent a few months obsessing over Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. However, at their nuptials we had to accept that they’re off the market and that’s unlikely to change anytime soon. Enter Louis Spencer, the first cousin of Prince Harry and Prince William. He’s a viscount and reportedly single.
Meghan and Harry weren’t the only couple whose wedding made headlines this spring. In an interview with Healthyish, Moon Juice founder Amanda Chantal Bacon let everyone know that she put her famed “sex dust” in her wedding cake. It’s made of “lusty superherbs” made to inspire creativity “in and out of the bedroom.” Very horny.
And speaking of horny, May was the month when heartthrob Timothée Chalamet hooked up with a woman who was first identified as “mystery blonde” in Cannes. This was possibly the first noteworthy public hookup of the year — more on that later.
June: A Horny Watchgoose and Rihanna Sex Toys
With summer heating up, the Horny Reply Watchgoose appeared, ready to flag excessively thirsty behavior on Twitter. Meanwhile, Rihanna launched sex toys to go with her lingerie line. The whips and pasties sold out in hours. The phrase “Big Dick Energy” also entered our social lexicon to describe hot people with a natural confidence, and perhaps to justify some unconventional celebrity crushes. Hoooonk.
July: So Much Soccer-Related Horniness
Ahh, the World Cup. A great excuse to watch soccer or to find out which country has the hottest male athletes. Two men in particular caught our attention: Brazil’s goalkeeper Alisson Becker, and Morocco’s coach Hervé Renard.
August: Horny Biebers and Olsen Twins
The soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs. Bieber lived out a rom-com in the city’s summer heat, cuddling at delis, spending time with puppies, and (less hornily) going to church. And the Olsen Twins announced that they would make some “quite sexy” pants for their new menswear offshoot of The Row. When you’re attractive and rich, you really can have it all.
September: Teen Heartthrobs and More Rihanna
Where were you when To All the Boys I Loved Before was released on Netflix? And how quickly did you fall in love with Lana Condor and Noah Centineo? The latter built himself into a thirst trap the likes of which we haven’t seen since the ’90s. If that wasn’t horny enough, Rihanna made New York Fashion Week sexy again with the best lingerie runway we’ve seen in years.
October: The Hot Duck and a Boobed Squirrel
While we had a normal sexy summer, things took a turn in the fall. In New York, people lost it over a handsome Mandarin duck in Central Park, while in Japan, people fell for a squirrel that appeared to have large breasts.
November: Erotic Frescos and Horny Tweets
Archaeologists in Pompeii discovered an NSFW fresco depicting a woman and a swan. The Bodyguard became the hottest show on TV both in terms of viewers and sexual tension. A fan of Texas politician Beto O’Rourke sent perhaps the horniest tweet ever typed, and an actually sexy man became People’s Sexiest Man Alive. It was, in all, a very horny month.
December: Kangaroo Tragedy and Queer Queens
Roger, the famously ripped kangaroo who became internet famous in 2015, died at 12 years old. RIP Roger. On the bright side, we also learned that The Favourite could, conceivably, be historically accurate in terms of horniness. In more animal news, polyamory may be killing off parrots, and an aquarium had to issue an apology after calling an otter thicc.
Let’s all chill in 2019.
