vanderpump rules

The Toms Were Supposed to Create the Cocktails — NOT Pandora

Yay. Photo: Bravo

The first episode back into a season of Vanderpump Rules is always a little stiff. This is mainly due to how everyone has to explain months of off-camera living to each other in stilted conversation — in last night’s episode it was mainly focused on how Jax has allegedly transformed into someone non-terrible — but also this time Jax had to yell at James for something he did multiple weeks ago as if he’d just been pumping himself up to do it in the time that elapsed since it actually happened, and Lisa briefly rapped. We had to get over the resettling hump, and we did. Our friends are back, thank God, and I could not be happier to see them.

We are so lucky.

Can you believe the Toms haven’t gotten anything down on paper regarding the cocktail list they were allegedly crafting with carrot juice and white tea? I wish I could relate to the fear of failure that might stall one’s progress re: getting something down on paper, but I simply cannot! Tom has an idea for an ice cube, though (diamond-shaped), and he has what seems like a remarkably cost-effective take-your-sexy-shotglass-home strategy. See, they don’t do nothing. They had those ideas! (Sandoval did.)

So instead of having no cocktail list at all, Lisa decided to give Pandora the job of handling the cocktail list. She’s never worked a bar shift in her life! Why should she get to make the cocktails — just because the Toms were never gonna do it, and she did it as if it were a task she was given and expected to complete? Very rude, very unfair, VERRRRRY not sexy.

Of course, the main thing of the episode was Jax and Brittany. Sadly, they got engaged. Also sadly, Jax was very rude to a few Neptune’s Net employees about trays and the exact timing of their fast-food preparation. (Also weirdly, Jax bought James Kennedy some Supreme underwear a few weeks before this? We don’t need to talk about it.) If you’re wondering why he took Brittany to Neptune’s Net, this is why, via ET:

“My father, when he did come [to California], it was his favorite place,” Jax reveals. “So, I lost my father last year, and it was important for me to take her there and tell her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life together at my dad’s favorite place.”

Aw. Jax revealed during the episode that he made the decision to marry Brittany immediately after his dad died, which I mention in such terms without judgment and with only loving concern, and that he used his inheritance to buy the ring. The ring was purchased during yet another in-show advertisement for whoever Kyle Chan is, and, not to be gauche, but, well — how much do you think Jax actually had to pay for it? When Jax was talking about how big the ring was, Kyle Chan said it would usually retail for $70,000. Usually? How much now? How much did Jax have to pay? I must know!!

Also, Beau was there at one point and he had on a terrible shirt. The shirt had a large, stretched out circular neckline. Why did somebody even design that shirt? It looked real bad. Still nice to see you, Beau. I love you. I’m happy for Stassi. I love Vanderpump Rules. I’m so happy it’s back!

The Toms Were Supposed to Create the Cocktails — NOT Pandora