Yesterday in The New York Times Magazine, the Wisconsin writer Barrett Swanson made a reluctant case for balding: “Accented by my equally unkempt beard, my visage now resembles that of a[n] 1840s prospector or some obscure founding father, as if I had just stepped out of a daguerreotype to pontificate on matters of virtue.”
To which I say, objectively, why would any man resist going bald? It’s so attractive, it boggles my mind. If I were a guy, I’d be excited. I’d kneel beside my bed at night and pray for it. Baldness signals testosterone (well, complicatedly), wisdom, and manliness; why would anyone fight that? I know we’re all different, but honestly why would anyone have any other opinion on this topic?
Bald guys are hot. Bald guys are no-nonsense, bald guys have other things to think about. Bald guys aren’t using a bunch of hair supplies, bald guys have more time to spend doing attractive and useful things, like building houses and making jokes. Bald guys are magnificent. Bald guys seem to have seen something more of life. Bald guys know things, if you know what I mean.
Guys with beautiful hair are wonderful, but they remind me of myself. Not because I have beautiful hair, but because I also want beautiful hair, and there cannot be two of us. You guys can have the amazing forearms, I can have the nice hair.
Similarly, why would anyone use Just For Men Gel? Why do we let these strange myths perpetuate? To end on a dark note, the baldness myth reminds me of this upsetting Medium story about how an anonymous man’s mind and body were permanently “ruined” by an anti-balding drug.
Baldness is fantastic, we all know it, what the heck!