the cut opinion pages

Put Gisele in the Game

Photo: Getty Images

This Sunday, at the Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, Georgia, the New England Patriots will face off against the Los Angeles Rams in Super Bowl LIII (53). Maroon 5 will perform at the halftime show.

The information above constitutes the sum total of my knowledge about the upcoming Super Bowl. My knowledge of previous Super Bowls is: touchdowns; Tom Brady; Janet Jackson; end of list. Thus, I arguably do not have the “qualifications” or “basic understanding of the sport” necessary to make suggestions about Sunday’s game. But given how many people’s opinion about football seems to be “continue to pour billions of dollars into an industry that suppresses players’ voices while encouraging them to bulldoze themselves into permanent brain damage,” I think my opinion is just as valid and good. Here is my good suggestion:

Put Gisele in game.

By Gisele, I mean, of course, Gisele Bündchen, former Victoria’s Secret Angel, author, and wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. No, she is not a professional football player, and no, I don’t know what position she would play exactly. She could probably take over quarterback for her husband, but on this point I am flexible. What matters is that Gisele get out on the field, and get into the game. This is a really good idea, and let me tell you why.

More people would watch

Last year’s Super Bowl had on average 103.4 million viewers, which was a 7 percent decline in viewership from the 2017 game. It was the least-watched Super Bowl since 2009. You know what would definitely get more people to watch this year? Having former Victoria’s Secret Angel, author, and wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady play in the game. People would be like, “What?” and also “Why?” and then they would all tune in for answers.

It would make the game safer

When Gisele takes the field, after a rigorous set of sun salutations on the sidelines to warm up, the only people more confused about what’s happening than the viewers would be the players. As she made runs, both the Patriots and Rams players would probably look at each other and ask, “Is that Gisele? Why is she playing?” Then they would jog along, kind of half-playing, perplexed and annoyed, but at least they wouldn’t be running headlong into each other like human freight trains.

She would probably do pretty well

Gisele does yoga. She surfs. She kickboxes. She rides horses. She can balance like this on an exercise ball. She doesn’t eat white sugar, white flour, MSG, coffee, caffeine, olive oil, iodized salt, fungus, dairy, or night shades. She embodies a standard of physical health unattainable to most mortals, and I bet Tom Brady has shown her how to throw a solid pass. Sure, her presence might slow the game down initially, but once everyone else got over their surprise, she could almost certainly hold her own.

Still, if the Patriots feel she is hindering their game, she can go and play for the Rams during the second half to even things out.

She would have some great burns

After the Patriots lost the Super Bowl to the Giants in 2012, Gisele bashed Brady’s own receivers to a group of Giants fans who were heckling her.

“You’ve got to catch the ball when you’re supposed to catch the ball. My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

That was her own team! Imagine how good her trash talking would be if it was directed at the Rams.

In conclusion, put Gisele in the game.

Put Gisele in the Game