In a joint statement on Twitter yesterday, Amazon CEO and recently buff man Jeff Bezos and his wife, MacKenzie, announced that they are separating after 25 years of marriage. “Though the labels might be different, we remain a family, and we remain cherished friends.” Another label that might apply to Jeff now: insatiable billionaire sext machine.
According to a report from the National Enquirer, before publicly announcing his split, Bezos started seeing former TV host Lauren Sanchez, and texted her things last spring like, “I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in. I want to hold you tight.… I want to kiss your lips…. I love you. I am in love with you.” Also, in a missive presumably drafted by Alexa:
“I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.”
I love you, alive girl.
I love you, alive girl.
I love you, ALIVE girl.
I love you, ALIVE GIRL.
I LOVE YOU, alive girl.
I LOVE YOU ALIVE GIRL I LOVE YOU ALIVE GIRL I LOVE YOU ALIVE GIRL NOT DEAD ALIVE.
Who knows if these texts are real. The motivation behind these leaks is suspicious — the Enquirer is owned by David Pecker, a close friend of one of Bezos’s biggest critics, President Trump, and it’s also never been the most trustworthy source. A lawyer for Bezos told the tabloid that it was “widely known” that the Bezoses were “long separated,” but did not comment on the veracity of the sexts.
Whether these messages are real or not, unfortunately, the phrase “I love you, alive girl,” has now entered our cursed, collective conscience. Was it a typo? Did he mean to say, “I love you a lot girl?” Was Bezos dicktating (lol) his sexts to Alexa? When you ask Jeff Bezos what he looks for in a partner does he just say, “Alive girl,” and that’s it?
Unless Bezos goes on Raya and starts playing the field, we may never know the answer to these questions. We’ll just lie in our beds at night, troubled, sleep eluding our tired grasps and the words “I love you, alive girl,” playing on an endless loop in our broken brains, forever, until we are no longer alive girls.
Updated, January, 10 2019, 5:56 p.m.:
In a follow up to their initial post, the Enquirer published, amid a variety of salacious claims, one endearingly wholesome text Bezos allegedly sent Sanchez. Via the Enquirer:
“You know what I want? I want to get a little drunk with you tonight. Not falling down. Just a little drunk. I want to talk to you and plan with you. Listen and laugh … I basically WANT TO BE WITH YOU!!! Then I want to fall asleep with you and wake up tomorrow and read the paper with you and have coffee with you.”
Wow, great job, Alexa.