I want to preface this with a strong disclaimer: There’s no good place to do that crime you’re planning, and I cannot — will not! — endorse your illegal aspirations. But it really should go without saying that out of all the potential crime scenes in the world, one of the worst is inside a dojo.
For proof, we turn to North Carolina, where Charlotte karate instructor Randall Ephraim sent a would-be kidnapper out of his studio on a stretcher. According to WSOC TV, the alleged perp ambushed a woman in the parking lot outside Bushiken Karate Charlotte Dojo around 9 p.m. on Thursday, attempting to wrestle her into his car. After breaking free from the stranger’s grasp, the woman booked it into the karate studio, where Ephraim had just wrapped up a class.
“There were still some kids in the dojo being picked up by parents and a couple of adult students cleaning up when a young lady came through our doors and stated that someone was trying to harm her,” he told CNN. A “big male” came in a little while later, and thinking he was there to ask about classes, Ephraim asked him what he wanted. Our idiot perp’s response? Something along the lines of “the lady.”
The lady, however, swore she’d never met the man before and that he was trying to kidnap her. Ephraim asked the scoundrel to leave, but he wouldn’t, instead attempting “to force himself further into the dojo, aggressively pushing and swinging,” the instructor recalled. “I then went into action defending myself and got him out of the dojo.”
Authorities transported the suspect to the hospital, and charges have not yet been announced. Still, he would seem to be in pretty rough shape, having proceeded to attack police officers, who — as Ephraim put it to CNN — “dealt with [him] accordingly.” Personally I don’t see how this story could have ended any other way, unless of course the remaining pupils had taken the opportunity to exercise their moves on a real-life delinquent.
So, to sum up, don’t do that crime: Don’t do it in a grease vent, don’t do it in the big-cat sanctuary, don’t do it on a speed boat no matter how satisfying the optics, and definitely don’t do it in a dojo. Don’t do it!