Have you heard? We’re in the midst of a brutal Polar Vortex, and it’s extremely, unbelievably, unbearably cold — as in, some parts of the Midwest reached temperatures lower than those in Antarctica. Milwaukee, a town that loves a brew, canceled beer deliveries. Chicago reportedly set its commuter train tracks on fire to keep warm. And though some Manly Men may be trying to prove just how tough they are by braving the weather in flip flops and shorts, most people are currently underneath at least 100 blankets with a hot beverage at their side, and checking weather apps to see when the weather will relent.
While we can’t fast-forward through these harsh conditions, we can put a ten-hour stew on the stove, light some candles, and moisturize every inch of our bodies. Below, here’s everything to do when it’s just too damn cold out.
1. Order a lamp that’ll make you feel like you’re at the beach.
2. Take the Nordic approach of enduring winter — light candles, embrace hygge, and play a board game.
3. Layer fleece leggings underneath your pants.
4. Cover your entire body in lotion.
5. Put on your warmest Winter Sex Outfit — long johns, a puffer coat, a ski mask — and take a trip to Bone Town.
6. If you don’t have anyone to take with you to Bone Town, go flirt at an ice rink with all the other horny maniacs brave enough to face the cold.
7. Before you leave the house, protect your winter shoes.
8. Spend ten hours of your time making a hearty beef stew.
9. Hide in a turtleneck, à la Victoria Beckham.
10. Wear a sleeping bag.
11. Conceal your entire body in a maxi scarf.
12. Stream all of the incredible European crime dramas online right now.
13. If you expect snow, consider ordering some new snow boots online.
14. Walk around your home in ugly socks that’ll leave your feet baby soft.
15. Don’t forget to take care of your hands.
16. Put on a super nourishing hair mask.
17. If you want to lock moisture into your skin, don’t take a super hot bath or shower (I know, I know, we’re sorry.)
18. Fight back against dry skin with balms, exfoliators, and night creams.
19. Stop biting your lips and breathing through your mouth, and put on a good lip balm.
20. But most importantly, if you truly want to survive this weather, you must first and foremost embrace the cold — like a friend!