Ah, where does the time go? One day you’re young with your whole life ahead of you, then you close your eyes and … it’s already time for the Yulin Dog Festival and Stassi’s (“fucking”) birthday. Our youth!
Since Katie’s ultimatum led to James Kennedy’s firing on the last episode, he has — shockingly — remained fired (for now). Still, he’s “not going to miss the dog event,” obviously. (It’s Lisa Vanderpump’s annual event to spread awareness of and support legislation against the Yulin Dog Festival, a festival in southern China during which dog meat is eaten.) Why would he! They were offering free professional photos of you looking hot making a kiss face next to your dog. I wouldn’t miss that even if I’d just been fired.
Scheana did not miss the dog event, either, though she had to skip out early for a “happy hour date” with the pretty human SURver doll Adam. “You seem taller today. Or maybe I’m just, like, extra short,” she said to him, alluringly, as they walked into the dog event. Ooh lala.
I don’t know how Adam could resist the montage of horrifying come-ons Scheana lobbed at him while he put together her day bed in a later scene, come-ons that were expertly strung together by Vanderpump Rules’ brilliantly cruel editors. (“Can you only … sleep on it in the daytime?” Adam asked of the daybed with a smile, laughing to himself at his clever joke. “We can try it out …,” purred Scheana. “Oh … yeah?” said Adam, visibly uncomfortable. “I’m gonna take a shower … you’re welcome to join me,” said Scheana. “Oh … yeah?” said Adam, visibly uncomfortable. [Scheana massaging Adam’s shoulders.] [Adam uncomfortable.]
Speaking of James, (earlier) Lisa had a discussion with his mom (a friend of Lisa’s), who begged her, in a way that was genuinely heartbreaking, to give James his DJ night back. Lisa stood her ground, but agreed to look out for him, stopping by his apartment in a later scene to tell him that she won’t give up on him. I do hope James sorts himself out.
What else? Hmm. Lala and Brittany got butt facials. Lala was like, “Brittany, Sandoval said that he thinks Jax will maybe go back to cheating on you after the shock of his father dying wears off.” Everyone watching was like, “Yeah, he definitely will.” Brittany was like, “Heee saayyd whuut?” Then later, while getting ready for Stassi and Ariana’s birthday party, Brittany told Jax what Sandoval said, and she didn’t have any makeup on yet and she looked so beautiful, with her lovely freckles on full display:
I love your freckles, Brittany!
Blah, blah, Jax confronted Sandoval about it at the party but it’s fine, they did a shot together, who cares. Now: the party.
It’s Stassi’s fucking birthday, and she and Ariana are co-headlining. Who would have thought these former enemies would become fine enough with each other to have a joint birthday party? My, I love to watch my friends grow on Vanderpump Rules. Truly! The party is “winter” themed and all of the girls (and Sandoval) decided to look extremely insane for the occasion. Icy makeup … crazy contacts … all manner of cape. Sandoval had a silver headpiece that, of course, was custom-made for the event.
Very little drama occurred at the birthday, save for the drama surrounding James’s girlfriend, who is dying for a more substantial identifier, Raquel. She went to the party even though James was disinvited, because why wouldn’t she? She’s here to be on the show, hello. There was some sort of anger regarding James’s firing, but it blew over relatively quickly. It seems our friends really are growing.
Stassi did manage to get in one birthday meltdown, however, though this one felt a bit more invasive than they have in the past. Why were the cameras in the bathroom with her at the end of the night? Please leave her alone; she is not in her right mind. She was mad at Beau because she wanted to go to bed, he was still at the party, and he wouldn’t pick up his phone. Who among us? But the fight will lead us, next week, to that “dick-punch my heart” line, so at least it was not for naught.
Okay. C U then!