vanderpump rules

Maybe We Shouldn’t Meet Anyone’s Parents

Stassi and her mom. Photo: Bravo TV

It’s so odd to visit the past. High school reunions, sleeping in your childhood bed, attending a SUR staff meeting during Vanderpump Rules’ seventh season. Things seem smaller both physically and psychically. Didn’t these halls use to be wider? Didn’t life used to feel more expansive? Didn’t these people used to actually work at SUR?

Alas, you can’t go home again, but you can still yell about the cost-vs.-benefit of James Kennedy’s drunken behavior in a crowded, Lisa-Vanderpump-This-Is-Your-Life–looking SUR backroom. Lisa called the staff meeting to discuss James’s firing for, I think, mainly nostalgia’s sake — ah, remember the meeting when Stassi said, “I’m not a ghetto bitch” in season one, episode five, “I’m Not a Ghetto Bitch” — yikes! — but also, I guess, to make Peter go on record as an asshole, and to give Billie Lee an opportunity to make herself a villain so she can have more on-camera time this season.

Yes, the room was divided. James Kennedy is an alcoholic who gets blackout drunk and starts fights with his female co-workers, sure, but also his DJ night is popular. The tips are good during See You Next Tuesday, and anyway, SUR never fired (for good, at least) any abusive drunks in the past (except for Kristen). Scheana, Billie Lee, Peter, and Nathalie (SUR co-owner Guillermo’s wife) believe James should stay, because he makes SUR money. The rest think he should be held accountable for his actions and get help. It is a remarkably uncomfortable meeting to have to watch in our, ah, modern era.

Lisa eventually called the farce to a close, announcing that she had made up her mind: James would, of course, not come back to work. At least not yet. She is an evil puppet-master, indeed, but she is no dummy.

Elsewhere, Kristen has relaunched her T-shirt line.

Elsewhere, Stassi’s mom is here. We are meant to view Stassi’s mom’s behavior, which we will discuss in a moment, as a chilling glimpse at what Stassi’s future could be if she doesn’t course-correct her drunken behavior now. The episode began with various members of the cast recalling Stassi’s meltdown the night before — it seems it was worse, even, than we thought. She apparently caused a scene at the end of her party, dragging her boyfriend Beau off into their room in order to berate him about not answering his phone when she called.

In the bright light of the morning, she sees her error, and we see why Beau said she had “dick-punched” his heart in the trailer. She tearfully apologizes and Beau lovingly accepts. She thought she understood her drunken meltdowns when they were the product of terrible relationships, but now she doesn’t know why she’s doing it, and she wants to stop. Beau says he isn’t going to give up on her. I genuinely hope for the best for both of them, and for James, and for everyone else. Please get well but also please keep filming your lives, I love to watch! Also Beau, Stassi’s boyfriend whom we are getting to know onscreen after getting to know him on Instagram, seems nice.

Stassi’s mom, on the other hand, seems, I’m sorry, like a nightmare. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I realize it’s rude to say a bad thing about somebody’s mom but, oh my goodness. Maybe we should stop meeting the cast members’ parents? I haven’t met a cast member’s parent and been happy about it yet.

After talking about Beau’s package and grabbing his butt at Stassi’s party last episode, Stassi’s mom corners him at Kristen’s T-shirt company relaunch party (sure) to tell him about how terrible Stassi is. It’s not just because of the drinking, she explains (jokingly?); she has always been terrible. Also she hasn’t frozen her eggs and needs to have a baby. Also he is much better than her. Also she hopes Stassi doesn’t screw it up like she always does. Also mom, oh my God, stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Later, in another muscle-tensing scene in an episode full of them, Katie, Kristen, and Stassi went out to dinner with their moms. Stassi’s mom had a meltdown, and I cannot for the life of me remember why. I think my mind shut down for its own safety. From what I can pull through the uncomfortable haze, I believe she was upset that Stassi was upset with her. (This is for the Beau-related comments of the past and other, similar comments that happened during dinner.) And then everyone was upset that Stassi was upset. And then Stassi was upset that everyone was upset that she was upset.

The dinner ended with Stassi’s mom leaving the table to sob elsewhere, comforted by the other two moms who seemed fine and whom we did not particularly meet. It was not difficult to see the parallels. Are we looking into our future, asks Katie. Perhaps. Though I will say that it seems normal, to me, that Stassi would be upset with her mom, who seemingly dragged her nonstop throughout Kristen’s T-shirt company relaunch party (sure) and dinner; this did not seem like a “Stassi is mad about nothing” scenario, of which there have been many. And I will say that I hope Vanderpump Rules continues on-air until we find out if this is, in fact, Stassi’s future. And I will say that I hope it isn’t!

What else? After a taste test with Lisa, the Toms got three cocktails onto the Tom Tom menu for’s DailyMailTV summer party, if you remember that party from the summer: the “Clockwork Pink,” the “Matcha Bucha,” and the “Alchemy Rose.” Congratulations to our boys. I am pleased to announce I tried all of these drinks when I visited Tom Tom over the summer, which is not a brag and is simply a statement of fact that it would be ethically improper, as a journalist, to not include. The “Alchemy Rose” was good.

Photo: Kelly Conaboy

What else? Lala talked to James Kennedy over coffee, telling him that she was not going to give up on being his friend and that she would support him and his sobriety. It seemed like a promising step for James Kennedy but we are in the future, unfortunately, so.

What else? Scheana went on a date with a guy who was on The Bachelor, and he is the roommate of the guy she was hitting on in the last episode, and it was gross. Thank you, the end. Oh, also the girls went to a place where you could hit an old printer with a baseball bat, like in Office Space, though that association was not mentioned. Okay. Thank you, the end!

This Was the Most Excruciating Vanderpump Rules Episode Yet