vanderpump rules

Tom Sandoval, Shut Your Mouth!

“Your hat’s annoying, goodbye.” Photo: Bravo

There have been few Vanderpump Rules moments more plainly genuine than Tom Tom interior designer Nick Alain’s obvious exhaustion at the idea that the Toms might stop by for a quick look-around while the construction crew had actual work to do in the days before the big DailyMailTV party. “Please, no,” his face and mouth said. Please keep them away. For the love of Lisa do not let the Toms come near Tom Tom when the Tom Tom team has to set up lighting to make the outdoor plants pop, and they don’t even have electricity or water yet, and the DailyMailTV party is fast approaching. Please!

Luckily, though it broke their hearts to do so, and though Sandoval already had his outfit picked out, the Toms stayed away for one day more. Finally, when Tom Tom was all set up for Lisa’s little Tom Tom babies (Tom and Tom), Tom and Tom got to take their first look at the completed Tom Tom. It is genuinely pretty, if obviously Vanderpump — you may see photos here.

Sandoval cried at the reveal. Lisa almost cried. In a talking-head interview, Schwartz said, “I’ve always wanted to be part-owner of a bar,” and that was very funny. Good for the Toms, but good particularly for Tom Schwartz, as this apparently fulfilled his lifelong dream of being part-owner of a bar.

Everything is not so great in the world of Tom Sandoval, however, even though it is his birthday (and Jax’s). In a dual birthday celebration over cigars and alcohol, the boys traded stories about, for some reason, Lala’s sexual history. James says something about how she does a headstand (during sex). He turns to Jax and says, “You know, right?,” even though if Jax did know, that would mean Jax cheated on Brittany with Lala early in their relationship, which he definitely did, but he can’t admit that — not now! Sandoval, oddly, tells a story about Lala going down on Ariana while they were all in a car together. This was not a very good move by Sandoval.

Of course, Jax immediately told Lala that all of the guys were talking about fucking her during cigar hour — painfully including James’s explanation of the headstand maneuver, unnecessarily (Jax, please use some discretion). She is aghast but refuses to cop to going down on Ariana until she can talk to Ariana and see if Ariana is cool with her copping to having gone down on Ariana. Good thinking, truly.

This — Jax telling Lala what Sandoval said about her and Ariana — is the (much) lesser of two surprisingly decent Jax moves in this episode. The other was when he told Sandoval that he should maybe think about discussing with Ariana the fact that having kids is, for him, a non-negotiable, since it seems that Ariana definitely does not want to have kids. (“From the looks of it, you both want two different things.”) He’s right! Sandoval was like, Well maybe we’ll talk about it after we buy a house and get married? (Ariana does not want to get married.) Good luck!

Anyway, Ariana is cool with Lala telling the truth about their hookup. She is bisexual, she says, and not ashamed. However, she is rightfully angry with Sandoval for telling her story over cigars with men. She explains this to him after he rolls up at SUR with a big, stupid smile and an even bigger, stupider hat. (“Your hat’s annoying, your fucking face is annoying. Good-bye,” she tells him after explaining why she’s mad.) (This, of course, rivals her season-two Kristen takedown: “I’m smarter than you, I’m prettier than you. Get the fuck over it.”)

Later, in their little apartment, they discuss it further. Sandoval tries to say that he was maybe a little annoyed that night, because Lala was going down on her, and she is his girlfriend, and maybe this animosity is why he brought it up? Well, then talk to me about being annoyed — don’t tell a bunch of men about my private life over cigars because you’re trying to seem like a big cool guy, she says. True.

Ariana forgives him I think mostly because the show must go on, she knows he’s dumb, and it’s his birthday-party night, and it’s roller-skating themed. Okay. Later, everyone gets dressed up in ‘70s costumes (Jax’s favorite era, he explains) and roller skates. It’s … fine.

The last thing I’d like to note is how nice it was to see everyone complain nonstop about having to go to a party at Scheana’s new apartment, because she moved to Marina del Rey, and that is too far away. Very relatable.

Amen, thank you.

Tom Sandoval, Shut Your Mouth!